1. First Brush with Polygamy
August 18, 2001
What an interesting day! I have been surfing on the PC (computer) most of the afternoon. I have joined a couple of polygamy clubs and have been trying to get a handle on the whole idea. I am not real sure what to think. I have read enough of the scriptural background to realize that, contrary to what I have always been taught, polygamy in the Bible was not only tolerated but blessed by God. That takes a little getting used to but I know that is because I am not too keen on marriage right now anyway, but how I feel doesnít matter. If it is backed by scripture then I have to accept it as truth. But I am still exploring how this principle applies to modern marriage. I have to tell you I have some serious questions.
In one of the clubs there is a huge battle going on between this lady and her husband and sister-wife. Not real sure what the problem is but, boy, are they angry. Whew! Name calling and accusations flying freely. I am not impressed. Folks in regular marriages are doing that, not sure we need another venue to abuse each other. Wonder how the same folks who have gotten it so wrong for so long in monogamy think they are suddenly going to get it right in polygamy. Looks like the same old thing, only multiplied.
I have been to a few different polygamy sites and I am having a little trouble developing a concensus here. One site is run by a man who seems to think that when a man has decided he is called to polygamy then he is just supposed to run roughshod right up over his wife's feelings, whether she understands or not. Seems a little cruel to me. Especially since a woman from this culture would likely need a little time to become accustomed to the idea. Even accepting biblical truth, it is quite a cultural leap. This guy reads like a macho jerk anyway. That kind I know.
There was another site talks about loving until the wife is able to accept polygamy but this guy is so syrupy-sweet and false genteel that it leaves a greasy, slimy taste in your mouth, you know, like a snake oil salesman. So far I am not impressed.
One club on Yahoo was presenting itself as an advocate of Christian polygamy but the guy was getting women to visit his club by sending invitations to women with bisexual ads on Yahoo personals. Hmmmmm, kind of makes you wonder about his motivations, doesnít it? Maybe I shouldnít be so quick to find fault but it seems to me if you claim the name of Christ, then you aught to walk it like you talk it, know what I mean?
2. Male Egotism is Alive
August 19, 2001
I have talked to a couple of new people today. You know what I find kind of ironic? Everyone I have talked to so far tells me that they believe that not many people are called to polygamy, that the demands are too much for most men at this point but the funny thing is that every guy I have talked to is absolutely convinced that he is one of the select few. Hehehehe. I see male egotism is alive and well here as well. One guy I talked to has been through 2 divorces and is single now but is talking about starting a family with 4 or 5 wives kind of as a social recovery project for hurt women. A worthy goal, to be sure, but I have to wonder about his chances for success as he has not managed to get one marriage to work right so far. And you know, except for the lady involved in the bruhaha on the Yahoo club, I have yet to see any real input into this concept from women. It makes you wonder...
3. Found HEM and a Polygamy Club
August 20, 2001
I am still looking around. I found another site out of Europe. Somewhere in Poland, I think. This man has actually been living in a polygamous marriage for years and there are tons and tons of articles and essays about all sorts of issues. And guess what? His wives have pages there too. It is nice to get some real womenís input. And these people seem so happy and at peace. And they respect each other. Nice for a change. I was beginning to wonder...
I joined a ladies club today. I still want to talk to some ladies. I can understand why this life would appeal to a man but I would like to get a handle on why a woman would be drawn to it. It is an interesting intellectual exercise. I left a message on the message board and introduced myself and told them a little about what I was doing and they did not seem to mind my curiosity so I will try to go chat when they are here and get to know some of them.
4. A Chat with With One of Stanisław's Wives
August 21, 2001
I went and chatted with a couple of ladies this evening. I met a really nice lady. She didnít seem put off at all with my questions and we had a nice chat. We talked about scripture and marriage and recipes and boneheads. Hehehehe My term for people who think with their guts instead of their brains and donít want a simple thing such as the truth to get in the way of what they think. Not very charitable I know, and I suppose I should repent of that attitude but I really canít help it. Canít stand recalcitrant ignorance. I mean, I know I am ignorant but at least I try to listen and learn and accept the truth when I see it. I have had a lot of experience in that area lately if you know what I mean. Anyway, I really enjoyed meeting her this evening. She told me she was one of the wives of Stan, the man who has the site in Europe. She is one sharp lady. Intuituve and has a good nose for the boneheads, I like that. She was telling me a little about her family and their philosophy of marriage and how they live. She says that they donít have a lot of trouble with jealousy or vying for position in her family. She says that since they put Christ at the head of everything that they do, they are able to get out of that I/me mode into a you/we mode that effectively cancels out the motivations for jealous conflicts. That is an amazing concept. You donít see that in marriages much these days. And I really like the idea of a family being centered on Christ. There is not enough emphasis on that in families now and you can sure tell it.
5. Meeting Stanisław
August 22, 2001
I met Stanisław today. He saw the post I put up when [...] passed on last week and messaged me to offer condolences. He is a minister and we talked at length about how a childís death so profoundly affects one. You know, it is funny but he seemed to know just exactly how I was feeling, even to the point of trying not to question God about what happened. He has a depth of insight that is amazing. He is so intelligent and articulate that it is a little intimidating but you know me. I never met a stranger and I can babble with the best of them so we had a wonderful talk. For someone I just met, he is surprisingly easy to talk with. Unpretentious and gentle you know? Hope I get to visit with him again. He is a quite a prolific writer and he actually expressed an interest in seeing a couple of things I have written. Imagine that.
6. The Sabbath and a Growing Friendship
August 26, 2001
My minister friend, Stanisław, messaged me today. We talked at length about a couple of scriptural things I have been wondering about. One of them was about the Sabbath. I have been talking to a lot of people lately who observe 7th day Sabbath and he explained it to me and showed me where in scriptures it is confirmed. We also talked about the applicability of Mosaic law in the New Covenant and I am finding out more and more that I have had a lot of misconceptions about a lot of things. Things like the Sabbath, Law, just all kinds of things. It is like I am starting all over again. At 45 yet. But at least Stanisław is willing to answer my questions and help me find the information I am looking for. It has been kind of lonely trying to figure these things out by myself. It has been that way for me for so long, nice to have a knowledgeable friend willing to help. We also talked at length about modern churches and Stanisław wanted to read the paper I wrote comparing modern denominational churches against the New Testament church. He actually thought it was good. I am so excited about that. Coming from him, that is a compliment indeed.
You know, it sounds strange, but even though I have only talked to this man a couple of times it seems like we are old friends. We seem to think the same things at the same time. That is actually amazing considering the very different worlds we come from. But he so incredibly easy to talk to, so kind and so insightful. I really like this man. Ridiculous perhaps just from a couple of internet conversations but there it is. He invited me to his chat room and he is the most gracious person I ever saw under attack. And the boneheads were out in full force. Boy some people have no couth at all, nor manners. I hope I was not like that when I first began this quest...
Perhaps I will get to talk to Stanisław in the morning. Hope so, I have some interesting questions.
7. A Crazy Proposal and Meeting Kasia
August 27, 2001
Woo hoo, I have been rescued! This is entirely too funny. I was checking my mail and reading the posts on one of the clubs when I was imíd by this guy who recognized my nic from the club I have been posting in. He told me he liked my posts regarding the discrepancies between the New Testament Church and modern churches. We discussed that for a while and just small talked in general. He asked me what led me to an interest in poly and was I married. When I told him I was divorced and not looking to remarry he asked me why, so I told him about my ex and how violent he was. Well, this fella, generous as he was, decided I needed to move where he was and marry him. He said I needed a home where I would be loved. And guess what. He even knew where I could get a good job to work at while he and his other 2 wives stayed at home making babies. He was certain that this was what I needed to ďheal from my pastĒ. I am so glad I was online. I think his ego might have been a little hurt seeing me roll on the floor laughing. He,he,he, now that I have stopped shaking with laughter, I will try to write down the events of my day, although the other events rather pale. How hysterical!!!!!
I met Kasia today. She is one of Stanisławís wives. We talked for a good while, just chitchat really. Talked a little about her family and life but mostly we talked about cooking... She is a delightful young lady. Gentle and funny and devout with an air of grace and peace uncommon for one so young. It struck me odd that she is several years younger than my daughter but we so quickly became friends and co-conspirators. Amazing what kind of friendships develop. Anyway, I told her I would call her tomorrow when I got in from work...
8. A Bisexual Escapade and the Holy Spirit
August 30, 2001
I just met the rudest woman. She messaged me because she recognized my name from the club we starting chatting. Mostly general stuff at first. She told me how her sister-wife had been killed a couple of years before and how she really missed her. She kept talking about how much she had loved her and missed her and how there was this huge void in her life and these little alarm bells began going off in my mind. I am real bad to accept invitations from people to chat without checking them out and I really have to stop doing that. When I pulled her profile up I saw she was bisexual and had a personals ad posted on Yahoo. I didnít acknowledge that I knew anything about it, just tried to keep the conversation general but here in a bit she came right out and asked me if I was or ever had considered being bisexual. I told her, inoffensively, I might add, that I was not, am not and could never be bisexual and wham! She was gone. No goodbye or bite my toe or anything. And this person was on the prowl in a club listed as Christian. I have a little problem with that. Seems a strange place to find a bisexual, but I have seen that on a couple of Christian polygamy sites I have been researching. Openly deviant types openly on the make. It sure seems like the founders would address this being they claim Christianity. Oh well, not for me to worry about I guess.
I talked with Stanisław at some length today. After talking with him about the Sabbath the other day, I did a sort of research paper about it, researching relevant scriptures and seeing what I could come up with. Itís not that I think I had anything new to offer, its just I learn and remember things better if I do my own research projects and dig out the information myself. Stanisław wanted to read my paper and he actually thought it was good. He really did. I was amazed considering the volumes of in-depth and complex theological articles he has written. He said it was very good and actually asked if he could use it on his site. That is so cool!!!hehe
Stanisław and I also talked at some length about studies he has been doing about the Godhead, specifically the Holy Spirit. (I cannot remember the sacred names) I was astounded to hear him postulate that the Holy Spirit is most certainly female. That is sure not what I have been exposed to, but what else is new? He gave me the URL for the information to study and so now I have another study project. The longer I converse with this man, the bigger my list of things to learn is growing. I think he may be the naturally smartest man I ever met. Stanisław told me a little about being born in the Soviet Far East and living all over the world. He has been just about everywhere. He seems to be so nonchalant about it, like it is no big deal, but I never met anyone as well traveled as he is. Did you know he has preached in Russia, I think. That is fascinating.
You know, I really donít know what to think about this man. So far most of the men I have met living polygamously are kind of nuts, arrogant and egotistical and it seemed that my initial attitude about people living it in this time was right, that whether or not it was biblical, did not necessarily mean it was for now. Most of the people I have met in my exploration seemed to have born this out. Nutcases with fractured relationships and goofy theologies.
9. Reconsidering Marriage
September 1, 2001
I talked with Kasia and Stanisław today. Just small talk really but it was like visiting with old friends over a cup of coffee. The more I get to know these people, the more I wonder if maybe I might have had some misconceptions at the outset of this little investigation.
You know, I have always said, since my divorce, that I would never get married again. Would never take the chance. But if I thought I could have the kind of marriage and family life that these people do, I just might have to reconsider. They seem to be at such peace, seem to really love and respect each other. I surely never expected that in polygamy, goodness knows it is rare in monogamy. Maybe something has been missing all this time.
10. Meeting Kryztina and Questions About Torah
September 5, 2001
It has been an interesting few days since the last time I wrote...
I have been spending a lot of time with Stanisław, Kasia, and Kryztina. He has another wife, Isabel, but she is out-of-country at present so I have not gotten to meet her.
I didnít tell you about meeting Kryztina did I? I met her a couple of days ago and she is another sweetheart. She is quiet and steady where Kasia and I are always cutting up and carrying on. But she is just as sweet as Kasia and they are becoming treasured friends. Stanisław is as ever, a cross between an intellectual and a stand-up comic. I am discovering a zany wit and flirtatious charm that is irresistible. And we all four of us sit and talk for hours about everything under the sun. It is like we have known each other forever but I know it has only been a short while.
I have been reading further about the Law and the Old Testament. I think it is becoming clear that we should still be following the Law but it is still unclear to me how and which parts. For instance, I asked Stanisław about the Old Testament dietary Laws and if we were still to keep them and he said that we were, and showed me to a page that explained it in detail. Sheesh, I am sorry I asked. I may starve. Chuckle Every thing in the world I like to eat practically is forbidden. I am still renovating, hehehehehe, wonder if I will ever figure it out.
11. A Deepening Relationship and a New Poly Club
September 9, 2001
Not a lot new going on here. I am spending more and more time with Stanisław and his family. I really care for him. And the ladies are becoming the sisters I longed for when I was growing up. And things are changing between Stanisław and I. What was just a good-natured teasing friendship is becoming deeper. I have always been drawn to his intelligence and grace and willingness to teach. Now I find myself being drawn to his charm and our teasing is beginning to take on a romantic tone that wasnít present just a few days ago. He is the gentlest and kindest man I have ever known I think. We have talked for hours about life in general and our pasts in particular and for some reason I find myself totally comfortable confiding in him things I have not told hardly anyone else. Like the hell my marriage truly was. I usually gloss over that; donít like to dwell on it. And the other things. But he inspires confidence in me. It is like I know that nothing I tell him about what is in the past will reflect on what he thinks of me today. I have something to think about here.
Stanisław and the ladies have started a new ladies club on Yahoo. I hope it gets going well. It would be nice to have dynamic forum for ladies issues develop. I said I would try to help get it going. Should not be too hard, if all I have to do is talk. Hehehehe
Well, I am going to go post on the club. Later
13. Invitation to Poland
September 12, 2001
I got to talk with Stanisław and Kasia for a long while today... We talked on and on and as the conversation progressed Stan invited me to visit with them for a time, in Europe. I know it sounds kind of like a crazy thing to do, having known them only a short time on the internet, but I think I will. I told them that I would see what kind of vacation I could get from work and see if I could arrange a visit. I do so want to meet them personally. What a blessing it would be to be able to sit down with him and hash out all these (for me anyway) radical new concepts he has been introducing me to and have him explain things to me in detail. And I would love to be able to spend some time with Kasia and Kryztina girl-talking and sharing recipes and crafts. These people are rapidly becoming very important to me. Even just visiting online, I feel a connection with them, a wish to have them prominently in my life. And I would be more than dishonest if I said that this man, Stanisław, did not intrigue me. Strange turn my little pea brain is taking in its old age. Lol Oh well, I am going to see about taking the trip. If it is to be, God will make it happen, of that I have no doubt.
14. A Change in our Relationship
September 14, 2001
Well, I have been reading and posting at the ladiesí club. Stanisławís wives are very insightful and wise. I do enjoy reading their posts and posting myself. I wish we could get a little more member involvement though. It seems like the ladies and I are the only ones that ever post and it would sure be nice to see some more participation.
I finished the piece I was writing about personal responsibility. It was something that has been on my mind for a while. Funny thing, before I met Stanisław I was never motivated to write out all these ideas I have. I never thought anyone would take me seriously. But he does. He always wants to see what I have written and always tells me that I am a good writer. I keep telling myself he is just being kind but I know that is not right. He is too honest for false flattery, whatever. the motivation and he would know if my babblings are any good or not, being a writer himself.
You know, I am noticing a change in our relationship. He has always been kind and gracious and so easy to talk to, but until the last day or two, I have thought of us as friends. I have seen him as a teacher and a brilliant conversationalist but I hadnít thought of him in more personal terms. I have avoided that line of thought for a very long time. But as we talk more and share more of our pasts and our beliefs I am finding myself drawn almost irresistibly to this wise and caring man. He seems so interested in my life and the experiences I have had and he has a way of drawing things out of me that I never thought to tell. And in drawing these past experiences out into the open he is showing me how to diffuse a lot of the emotional garbage I have carried around for years. I guess I thought it was because he is a pastor with a natural bent for counseling but I do not think that is it entirely. Somehow, he makes me feel as if I am important to him, that what I think and feel matters. He has begun to tease me, very circumspectly, about us thinking so similarly and having so much in common. And what is funny is that we do. We often make the same comment or voice the same opinion simultaneously and despite the vast difference in our worlds culturally, we share the same values. This is most unexpected and as dumb as it may sound, a little frightening. I will definitely have to think about this.
15. More than Just a Friendship
September 15, 2001
You know I have discovered something positive from the events of the past few days. A lot of people are discovering or rediscovering their need for God. I have heard of huge prayer meetings and memorial gatherings and even our leaders are invoking God more. Suddenly the church/state separatists are not nearly so vocal. Perhaps a glimmer of good can come from all this.
I got to talk to Kryztina for a while today. She is such a sweet lady. Not nearly as vocal as the rest of us babbleheads but when she does speak it is with such a quiet gentleness that you are immediately at ease with her. And not a trace of artifice. You know you can trust her. I am truly taken with this family, such a warm and genuine group of people. I feel like I have known them forever. And it has just been a little while.
Stanisław is sending me roses. You know the pretty little roses you can type in the messenger. And he has begun to tell me that he cares for me and enjoys being with me, even if only online. He says that he is glad we met and that he is happy when we are talking together. And he told me how one of the Patriarchs he knows whose wives have one of the chat rooms I have visited is the one that recommended that he meet me and get to know me. Matchmade us I think he said. What a quaint and completely charming idea. He is ever so gently leading me to think about where our friendship is going. Friendship, that is a pale word to describe what I am beginning to feel for this man. I will have to talk this over with God, commit it to prayer. It seems right that I should be drawn to this man, but it is vital to me to know that it is what God wants of me. I think it might be though because just such a short while ago, I would never have even thought about it. Suddenly this house is very quiet and that does not suit me like I thought it did. I have much to think about and commit to prayer.
16. A Hint of a Proposal?
September 16, 2001
Well, its been a zoo on the internet today. At one time I had 5 messenger windows open. Seems like everyone wanted to talk at once, and all while I was trying to work on my paper. Sometimes it just does not work out trying to get any work done lol. But it is nice to be noticed. Hehehehe And the funny think is people are starting to ask me questions about things that I didnít know anything about myself just a few months ago. I just wish I could remember where Scriptures in the Bible were better. I can always remember what it says, just never where. Lol
I talked with Stanisław today (surprise that, we talk everyday hehehehe). I do believe we are courting. And as always, he is charming and completely gallant. We have been talking about my planning to visit them in November. I checked and I can take some vacation then...
He has sent me some pictures of where they live and it is beautiful there. I told him it was so pretty that I might not want to leave when I got there then he said something that stopped me in my tracks. He asked me if that was a proposal. All I could think of to say wasÖÖ..uh.uhÖÖ..maybe. Then he asked me what it would take to turn maybe into yes. Just like that. Very calm and gentle. Before I could think about it I said, ďA little time, I guess.Ē He told me that he understood that it would take some time for me to be able to trust him, to take all the time that I needed. I donít think he realized that it was not him I didnít trust. It was me. I told him that I did trust him, if I didnít we would not have talked as far as we had. I need to get over the habit of being fearful and mistrustful though. I would never want to hurt this man because of things that happened before I ever met him and I am afraid that might happen. But I think he is the most trustworthy man I ever met. I didnít know they made them like that anymore. And he seems to really care for me. Somehow that is a very peaceful thought.
You know, you would think that I would be in a bit of an emotional turmoil with the direction my friendship with Stanisław and Kasia and Kryztina (I have not had the privelege of meeting Isabel yet). I mean, after all, it was just a short time ago that I was vehemently opposed to plural marriage and now I am drawn to a man with 3 wives. But you know what? I am completely at peace with the idea. I wonder if God is trying to tell me something. God has never spoken to me directly, more like a gentle leading in His direction but He has never directly compelled me one way or the other. I will have to think about that.
17. My Own Webpage and Courtship
September 17, 2001
Guess what. Stanisław has built a web page for me. A place to publish the stuff I have been writing. He really did. And it is a beautiful page too. Stan has a taste that is classic and elegant. It was even prettier than I would have made it. He really does think my stuff is ok. I donít think anyone has ever done anything so nice for me. I didnít tell him but it made me cry. He has already put the things I have written on it and he told me to send him anything that I write and he will publish it. I donít know what to say. I am overwhelmed, truly. I actually feel like he thinks I am important. I donít think I was ever important to anyone before, well except God of course.
You know it is amazing. I sit here and talk to Stanisław for hours at a time. We flirt and joke and tease and court like we have known each other forever and it just feels right and natural for us to be so. Kasia and Kryztina are usually always with us and as much as I might have thought that would be uncomfortable, it isnít. It is like I am sharing something wonderful with my dearest friends and somehow that just magnifies the joy I am finding in Stanisławís presence. I begin to understand some of the things he has told me about the joy of plural marriage. Only just, but I can see the concept. It really difficult to explain, there it is there nevertheless.
I am still thinking and I am still praying and I have to tell you this feels right. Feels like I am headed home. Sounds strange but that is the way I feel.
Time for night night. Donít know why I bother. Sleep is a little elusive just now but for once in my life, I donít mind that so much.
18. Two Bibliophiles in Love
September 18, 2001
Stanisław has been busy while I was asleep today. He has edited my page some more.. It is really looking nice. And he has put a lot of different links on it to all kinds of other stuff. He and Kasia spent a good while chatting. He was telling me about some of the things he has written and some of the projects he is working on now. And every once in a while he slips in a little endearment or a little cyberhug. Hehehehe you know it is almost like being there for real. He and Kasia and Kryztina say they are really looking forward to my visit. So am I. Stanisław keeps teasing me about not coming back but I am beginning to wonder if he is really teasing. He seems like he really wants me to stay, I have to say that the idea of being part of this family appeals more and more each day.
You know, I think I have met someone who loves to read even more than I do. Every since I told him how much I love to read, there has been no end to the different articles, books, and essays he tells me about that he thinks I would be interested in. Boy, I may never get caught up. Just trying to read all the material he recommends is going to be a huge job lol. But there is so much I want to learn. I am learning more and more about the Chavurat Bekorot and I am truly amazed at the things I never understood that are becoming clearer, and I have only scratched the surface. Oh well, I think this could be a long learning process.
I hated to leave for work tonight but needs must I suppose. Stanisław and the ladies kind of giggled when I said good night and they said that they would see me tomorrow. They said they had a surprise for me. HmmmÖÖ..
19. "Oh My, He Did It!" Stanisław's Proposal
September 19, 2001
I got to visit with Stanisław this morning. I always get online to check my mail and he usually comes on for just a minute or two before I get off. He was telling me about finishing his book, Bouquet of Roses. He says that I inspired him and that helped him finish the last chapter. I canít wait to read it. I have read most of the first volume although I havenít had a chance to finish the second and it is very good. As I was off line, he made a point to say he would see me at 9p.m.. HmmÖ.wonder what is up.
Well time to nap a bit. Still have to work this evening.
Oh my he did it. He proposed to me. It was so beautiful. He and Kasia and Kryztina came online right after I did, and he asked me to go invisible where I would not be disturbed then he typed in an address and told me to go there. It was awesome. He had built a page with his proposal on it and it had all of our pictures on it and the speech he wrote made me cry and cry it was so sweet. After I read it I like to never have been able to type in my answer. What can I say, of course I said yes. He said I could think it over if I wanted to but I didnít need to. What else have I been thinking about for days? After I said yes we all (Stanisław, Kasia, Kryztina, and I) cyberhugged and the ladies and I sniffled a bit and we ran off to our chat room to tell our friends the news. The only thing missing is Isabel. I do so hope and pray she can be a part of all this, that she will be home very soon and the whole family can be together. This is a day I will always remember. I do so wish I did not have to go to work tonight. It would be so great to be able to sit home and just think about all this and soak in happiness. Happiness I didnít think was in the cards for me, but it just goes to show you that I have underestimated Godís willingness to bless His children once again. One day I will learn to stop doing that to Him. I am humbly thankful.
We have shared so many words over the last few weeks that anything else almost seems redundant. This brief but ecstatic time, where my heart has known nothing but a warmth and burning fire when we are together even in this unlikely [cyber] medium, has been one of great happiness not only for me but for Kryztina and Kasia also, made all the more wonderful by the fact that there has been such a deep and intense channel of spiritual communication from the start.
I hold you in the profoundest of respect as a person, someone whom I can admire and be proud to display to the Firstborn Assembly as one who is after my own mind, heart and spirit. The oneness I have felt with you has been present from the beginning. More than anything else, this will transcend and overcome any cultural differences which are undoubtedly present should you respond to my proposal in the affirmative. But more than even this, I feel a deep, deep love for you in my soul which I have the greatest hope and desire to cultivate into the fullness that is possible in Christ in this covenant which is Patriarchal Marriage.
Dedication (the nearest equivalent to the world's 'engagement') in the Hebrew tradition, is a covenant to better get to know one another in Christ, primarily as brother and sisters, but with the specific view of marriage. It is called ArŠb in Aramaic. Though it can be broken if the parties agree to do so, that does not mean that such a covenant should be entered into lightly, for it is much more than 'engagement'. This is a covenant not of the flesh but of the mind, heart and spirit, and in some respects is like Betrothal (Aram. Aras), only the latter is permanently binding.
These three ordinances of marriage - ArŠb (Dedication), Aras (Betrothal) and Onah (Full Marriage) are paralled by the three initiations into the Mystical Marriage of Christ, which are given to the Body as Baptism, Chrism (Confirmation) and the Lord's Supper.
The Union which I share with my three present wives is in every way paralleld by, and indeed is inseparable from, the Mystical Spiritual Union we share in Christ. What this means in practice is that our family marriage union and that union we have with Christ are so intertwined as to be inseparable. Put another way, marriage into this family also implies acceptance of, and a disciple's walk in, the Firstborn Covenant of Christ which we pursue. This is undoubtedly an integral part of the reason why we have been so successful as a family, for Christ suffuses and surrounds every aspect of our lives.
My proposal is therefore a double invitation. It is an invitation not only to become a member of this family by covenant and by sacrifice, but to become a member of our spiritual fellowship which is known as the Chavurat Bekorot or Assembly of the Firstborn ('Church of Christ' in Greek parlance).
I am sure you have studied a great deal of our writings now. You have made many major changes in recent times and no doubt have much more to study and follow over time. Knowing where the Holy Spirit is leading you in terms of our discipleship is therefore, for us, as critical as knowing where She is leading you in regard to marriage.
You will have plenty of questions. And rightly you should have all the time you need and want to get the answers to them. Accepting my invitation to Dedication is also therefore an invitation to baptism into our Order ... not into Christ (which you have undoubtedly already received by confession and water immersion) but the second part of the Covenant of Baptism which is no longer practiced by the churches owing to the divisions which sadly prevail, namely, a covenant to walk in obedience to all the commandments of our Master.
By the time you reach readiness for Betrothal you ought to be ready for Chrism, more commonly known as 'Confirmation', which parallels the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. My own impression is that you have already long since reached this stage but will still want to explore this more fully. By the time you are ready for Full Marriage you should have reached a state of preparedness where you are ready to receive the Lord's Supper as administered by this Covenant.
The speed at which we admit men and women into the three degrees of marriage is conditional upon both their spiritual development and their personal union in Christ. These things we can talk together about both before you come and after you have come. There is so much we want to share of what we have found in Christ! By way of introduction, you may find an article on these things to be helpful, though most will already be familiar to you.
It is not absolutely necessary (though it is preferred) for the three steps of marriage to parallel initiation into Christ leading to full communion of the Lord's Supper. Ideally they should go hand-in-hand as part of a growing up and maturing process in the Assembly over many years. So if you wish to separate these, that would be perfectly acceptable, either before or after taking the first steps towards marriage. Under no circumstances would you be pressurised to enter anything you did not feel ready for, but it would be understood that you were working towards these things once you enter any of the marriage covenants. Unity (echad) is so very important to us as I think you by now know!
This proposal is being made, at this stage, without Isabel, for although we have been reconciled since 2000, the covenants she entered into originally were broken by the [secular] divorce and have to be renewed once she moves back here. So whilst she is my wife in the flesh by virtue of our previous union, she is not currently under the communal/family covenant.
Whenever a new wife enters into the family, new covenants are entered between husband and all the wives together. This means that a new wife is not simply an 'addition' to an existing family but that the whole family is re-formed.
These things are very important for us as we stress Christ as having the pre-eminence in everything we do, including marriage. You will find Him stressed in our ceremonies as in no other Christian/Messianic one that I know of. That is because we seek to follow in the Johannine Tradition, which is the fullness.
You know, my dear, that I have tendency to make a speech out of everything, so it is a good thing that Shakespeare did not base his Romeo and Juliet play on us! We have so much time to talk these things through further.
If you accept my proposal, then we can enter the Covenant of Dedication together here on-line at any time. It is very simple.
With this, my love, I bring to you my proposal:
[And from Stanisław's wives]:
Stanisław, Kryztina, Kasia (& Isabel)
20. My Life Starts to Order Itself
September 20, 2001
Just got home from work and came on to check mail. I always check ďmyĒ page when I am online and I found that Stanisław has announced our dedication on the HEM homepage. Hehehehe. I feel like some kind of princess or lady-in-waiting or something. Itís all so old-worldly and gallant, I think. He is a romantic of the old school.
You know, it is strange. Now that he has asked me to marry him and I have accepted, it seems like my life is in its proper order. That in itself is a different sensation for me. I feel like I have been on a journey and am going home. The more I talk to this man and the deeper my feelings for him grow, the more I am getting the feeling that we have always known each other, like we have not just met, but have returned to each other in some way. It is the only way I can explain it. The depth of the bond we are sharing just does not seem possible any other way for the short period of time we have known each other.
Kasia and Kryztina seem to be really, genuinely happy that I am joining the family. I donít know why this should surprise me. I guess I didnít really know what to expect, considering it is all brand new to me too. I just love these people so much. They are the warmest and most loving people I have ever known.
Stanisław has given me some reading material to study. It is a series of lessons regarding the 10 commandments. Most people would think that the 10 commandments were pretty straightforward but there is much more there than they realize. I am learning that everything we do or fail to do can be related to them in one way or another. Stanisław is helping me to see a much deeper meaning to many spiritual issues than I knew was there. I am very exited about this spiritual journey as well. I find that I am being drawn in to a deeper relationship with God as well as discovering my family. God never does things in half measures, does He?...
You know, it is funny, but even though my day-to-day life has not changed, it feels completely different than it did even as late as yesterday. Even with all the problems I am facing with my family and other problems, they donít feel as overwhelming as they might have done. I donít feel as alone, even though Stan and family are on another continent. I feel that they are right here with me loving me and supporting me through all this. Sure is easier.
Stanisław Asks Me to Write About Polygamy
September 21, 2001
Stanisław is so sweet. It is like he looks for reasons to uplift me and boost my confidence. But he never flatters falsely. There is nothing false about him. I think that is why I know I can trust him with my very life. I know that he will never play me false. That is important. If I am to be his wife and submit the authority of my life to him, it is important for me to be able to believe that he will always act in the best interest of myself individually and the family collectively.. And it is reassuring to know that he will not compromise what he believes to be important. As kind and generous as he is, he does not compromise at all on matters of faith. That means he can be trusted. That is a very new concept to me and I am still reflecting on it.
He has asked me to write an article relating to polygamy. Being so new to the concept I wondered what I could add that he hasnít already covered, and that far better than I could. Then it hit me. I could present my experiences, how I came to the principle and came to accept it. That is one subject that I know better than anyone so that is what I will do. Perhaps it will offer a unique perspective for others who are new to this idea as well. I will try anyway.
22. Growing in Love
September 25, 2001
What a wonderful week this has been. But also what a lot of trials. There are many things going on and many people I know are suffering some serious setbacks. I am having them here, Stanisław and family are having them there and it seems like everyone we know is having trouble just now. It does seem like God is mad at us for some reason but I know that is not true. It is just the refining fire, but sure is troublesome. So many having health problems and family problems and financial problems. It is surely a testing time for all of us. But I have no doubt we will overcome these trials.
Not a whole lot different here. Well that is not entirely true. Every day is a little different. I am growing comfortable with this love that is steadily growing for Stanisław. It has become so much a part of me that already I cannot remember a time when I didnít love him. Unimaginable that it would come along at this time in my life. Who would have ever thought it?
We talk and we flirt and we share just everything you can imagine. Everyday I learn something else about this man that just serves to confirm that this is the right thing to do. And Kasia wrote an article about me joining the family. It was just the sweetest thing I ever read. I think about being part of such a loving family and thanksgiving just overflows and humbles my heart at the amazing gift God has given me.
23. My First Upset with Stanisław
September 27, 2001
Well I guess it was bound to happen. I got a little upset with Stanisław yesterday. He had written an article on being single that I took as being a little hard on some single people. I felt like I was being told that when I was single so long, that I was sinning and being rebellious to Godís will. When he asked me what I thought of the article, I am afraid I kind of blew up on him. I kind of ranted about the women who arenít married because they have only barely managed to escape from disastrous marriages with their lives and I felt personally rebuked for trying to protect myself the best way I knew how. He was very patient with me and explained that he was not talking about people who were single as a remedial situation, but people that exalted singleness. I am afraid I was triggering at that point though, and could not quite get my emotional response under control. I am so ashamed for blowing up like that. He has been so kind and caring and concerned for me and I just went off on him, knowing that he wasnít feeling well today. This is what I was afraid might happen. That I might take out on him things that have happened in the past at someone elseís hands. See, the thing is, like I said, he does not compromise on spiritual principles, and sometimes the authority issues just do not strike me right. I am afraid I have not come as far as perhaps I thought I had.
As always, he was very kind though. He patiently explained to me what he was trying to say and waited for me to get over being upset. He even changed the wording a little trying to make it sound a little less threatening to me. He is amazing. I have to put away those old ghosts. He does not deserve it.
Today we talked about when I will be moving to Poland to stay. And it began to hit me. I am getting married and moving to Poland. I just sat in one place for a while and let that thought run around in my mind. Could this be the source of my restlessness? For all that I am totally at peace with this decision, it is really big. Huge in fact. Not to mention that I have agreed to give this man complete control of my life. I have to if I am to be the wife God wants me to be. This does not come naturally to me. Not at all. I will have to keep it in prayer. Why am I expecting to fail? Am I not promised that I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me? I do not doubt. Not really. It is just old habit...
24. Bonding with My Sister-Wives
September 28, 2001
Well we have a couple of racists at the sermon club. Really nasty and sarcastic. They were talking about how God supposedly does not condone the mixing of races. Made me furious. Such ignorance under the guise of Christianity, but that is ok. Stanisław made short work of them. He truly has a way of putting people in their place so gently they donít even know that it has happened. Lol He banned the race issue from the club and I am glad. That is just the kind of thing that could polarize the club in a direction I donít think anyone intended. I wonít worry though.. It is in quite capable hands.
We all spent a long time online today visiting. Telling jokes and learning more and more about each other. I am finding more and more each day that besides being a very intelligent and witty man, Stanisław is also a very passionate man. A tender and attentive courtier and always so gentle. And Kasia and Kryztina are sharing in our courtship and growing love. It is amazing. It is difficult to explain, I would not have understood myself just a short while ago, but in this thing called plural marriage I am finding that rather than being awkward or intimidated, I welcome the presence of my sister-wives-to-be in this time of bond building. Kasia told me something that I would never have understood before but makes the profoundest sense now. Love does not add, it multiplies. I have always heard that love is something that you have to give away in order to receive it back, I just never realized the implications of that idea in this concept before now. It is the most welcoming and liberating of atmospheres. Nothing hidden or hoarded. I am probably not making a lot of sense right now but I am reveling in this sense of connectedness that I have never known before. Ever. God is so good.
25. The Krůlewiecs Put Me on the Spot
September 29, 2001
Well I finally finished the first installment of my diary. Stanisław said it reads well, that it is entertaining and definitely me, lol, whatever that means. It is a little harder to do than I thought. I would have thought that just recording what is happening would be fairly simple, but it isnít. Remembering what happens is not difficult, but putting it into words that make sense and convey the thoughts and feelings at the time without sounding silly or overblown is hard, but Stanisław seems to think it is fine so I guess I will carry on.
We talked for a long while this evening and Stanisław and Kasia and Kryztina cornered me. They really did. Stanisław point blank told me he wanted to know what my wants/needs were. Boy was I stumped. For all of my ability at babbleze, I never had the knack for articulating my needs. I have not really thought about it for a very long time. I canít believe how hard that conversation was but I think maybe they understand me a little better now and I hope they are beginning to realize how precious they are to me. I know I do. It is like I have been incomplete, a partial person only, until they came into my life. Now I am part of something whole and wholesome, complete and at peace. But I still donít like talking about myself. I would much rather talk about them. Hehehehehehe
I am beginning to understand something else I think. I have for years had problems with scriptural injunctions for women to be submissive to their husbands. I always viewed it as placing women in a subservient position, as property or a slave, something of that nature. I never really understood the practical applications as I never saw the whole scenario played out in real life, the man in loving leadership and authority and the woman/women in joyful righteous submission. And I think I realize that God didnít set it up this way to demean women but to protect them. See if everyone is doing what scripture commands, then women are protected and cherished and free to be what God designed them to be. Far from oppressive, it is the truest freedom a woman can know. I am not sure I fully comprehend all the implications but it is finally beginning to make sense to me. Maybe I will see if I can articulate something that makes sense in a paper or something.
26. A False Accuser and a Warning
October 1, 2001
The very strangest thing happened to me last night. I had opened the chat room and after a while it got crazy with people getting booted left and right. I kept it open for a couple of hours and then just gave up and opened a private conference with myself and a couple of good friends from the chat room. One of them invited a fellow I never met before and when we had been introduced he told him about my engagement to Stanisław. I thought the man was going to offer congratulations but he said the strangest thing. He asked me who my covering was, was my father still alive. I have to say I was very confused. He went on to ask me if there was any male member in my family who could counsel with me regarding my engagement and upcoming marriage to Stanisław. I told him that there was no one in my family who would be receptive at all to me marrying into a polygamous family so he told me that, leaving the poly out, I needed to ask someone in my family what they thought about me illegally entering a communist country to marry a man I met on the internet. (Actually, Poland has not been communist for several years but that is beside the point lol) This man was acting like Stanisław is a white slaver waiting to chain me into bondage or something, Give me a break here. I really do not think that I am so naÔve or desperate that I am unable to make decisions in my life, and even if I were it was nothing to this complete stranger. I proceeded to tell him that I appreciated his concern but I was at complete peace with my decision, having committed the matter to prayer and being entirely satisfied with the response.
I told Stanisław about it today. I would have found the whole incident funny except that after I got offline, when I went to sleep, I had a dream that demons were attacking me. Was awful. I dreamed that I was lying on my side in the dark and I could not move. There was a hoard of buzzing things flying around in a cloud at the back of my neck and making a horrible noise, like a cross between a scream of pain and severe metal stress and with the sound there was a very bitter and brassy taste in my throat. It felt like these things were trying to get into my eyes and ears and it was taking my breath away. I remember thinking that I was going to die. I remember not being afraid of dying, but being afraid of dying without repenting for something that I could not for the life of me remember. All I could think of to do was to scream Christís name over and over. It was all I could say. I screamed it a couple of times and woke wide awake and soaking wet with sweat. Boy was I glad to be back here. And I pity the poor sucker that next tries to undermine my belief in what I am doing. Listening to that garbage is what brought that dream on. Of that I am certain. I am going to have to be much more careful who I talk to. It is a shame but that old devil seems to be trying really hard to shake me up and make me doubt and I refuse, by the grace of God, to let that happen. So if that is how it must be then so be it.
27. The Curse of Poly Wannabees
October 3, 2001
Well, I have finished another paper. It is about the tendency I have seen in some of the Christian poly ministries to align themselves with any groups at all regardless of their philosophical or spiritual views as long as they are poly-positive. I have been noticing this for some time and it bothers me. Bothers me that Christians are hobnobbing with wiccans, new agers, swingers and bisexuals just because they accept poly lifestyles. Not what we are supposed to be about I donít think. I know I am new kid on the block but this does not make any sense to me. I think that, as Christians, we have to be careful who we associate with publically. We have enough trouble with bashers and vilifiers without giving them further ammunition I think. Stan said he agrees with me and he put my article right on the web page. It still amazes me how we think the same on so many issues.
We have a polywannabe clown running around. He is too funny except he is a pest. He asks the most impertinent and personal questions and then begs you not to get offended at him. Well I am sorry, I did. Never saw such a nosey little dude in all my life. We keep telling him to address his personal sexual questions to one of the gentlemen in the room but he just not seem to get it. I think this gut truly has a problem. I try not to make fun but he is just so ridiculous.
Well, enough rude observations for one day. I will try to find something more uplifting to talk about next time.
28. A Journey through the Countryside
October 4, 2001
Well not a lot going on. I talked to Stanisław and Kasia and Kryztina for a good while, a couple of times actually. Stanisław told me a little bit more about the marriage ceremony and how they do these things. It sounds really beautiful. I am getting very excited about it all. And I like the idea that the whole family renews their covenants, that it is a whole new relationship, not just a new bride coming into the family. What a lovely concept. So loving and inclusive. I still donít understand everything but I think these are the most loving of people. They truly like evidencing the love of God to everyone around them.
Stanisław told me a story today. He told me a lovely story about my journey from the airport home by train. What a lovely trip he described. The scenery there must be truly beautiful. All the trees and lakes and forests. I canít wait to see it. I remember traveling by train when I was little in Germany. I loved it then and I am looking forward to it now. A lovely train ride through a winter wonderland. Hehehehe Will be fun.
Our friendly resident nutcake is still floating around, irritating everyone and generally making a huge pest of himself. He is so funny. We have sent him to the snake oil salesman. Perhaps he can help him. Lol
29. Stan's Troubles
October 5, 2001
Today has not been a very good day. Poor Stanisław. He is so discouraged today. So much is going on and he has not been feeling well and he is feeling just now like God is very far away from him. I understand that feeling. I have been there and it is a very cold and lonely feeling. All the pat answers and uplifting little scripture quotes in the world do not help when you are having one of those kinds of days. It made me cry. He is usually so positive and energetic and to see him disheartened so even if only temporarily, hurt immensely. I wanted so to help him, to think of something to say that would ease his mind. But I could not seem to come up with anything helpful. All I could do is offer an ear.
This is a very terrible time for many right now. Especially in this community. I have to believe that there is a reason. God does not inflict suffering and trials maliciously, there has to be a redemptive purpose, or a lesson to be learned. I may not see what that is right now, but I do believe in Godís love for all His children so there has to be a reason. What a hard time right now. I am praying hard for my loved ones. I know it is being heard. I will watch for the answers.
I talked to Stanisław again. He seems to be a little more light-hearted this evening. I am glad.
30. Mysterious Happenings
October 7, 2001
Well, not a lot new. Stanisław is feeling a little better I think. I do not know how he manages to stay as positive as he does. He has so much to contend with right now but he does it with such grace, and always is very caring and concerned with what others are going through. Well, I guess I do know how he does it, has to do with his faith and steadfastness in God, but I know it has to be hard sometimes.
He has been fussing at me a little lately. See I have a bad habit of not sleeping more that a couple of hours a day for days at a time, and then I complain about being tired and not feeling well. He has firmly instructed me that I will sleep at least six hours a day. I would say that is too cute but I am pretty sure he was not kidding, so I did it. Just like he told me too. Imagine that, hehehehe.
On top of everything else, a dear friend of Stanisławís has cut him off without explanation. He cannot figure out and to tell you the truth neither can I. I cannot imagine doing that to anyone, much less a dear friend. I donít understand people sometimes. What is wrong with people these days?
I know there was a time when folks did not treat each other that way without good reason. Of course I know that I am taking it more personally than I should but it has really hurt Stanisławís feelings, and that makes me angry. There is no reason.
Well, enough for this evening. Nothing a whole lot new today except this amazing love I have for this man and my complete joy in the family I am becoming a part of. Feels brand new to me everyday but I know I have mentioned it before.
October 31, 2001
I am furious. Absolutely stunned and hurt beyond description. I got home from work this morning to discover [my daughter] up waiting on me. She immediately began to yell and scream at me about how I had betrayed her and I was talking behind her back. It went on and on till [my son-in-law] (oh yeah, I donít think I have written here since he moved in with us) got up and began yelling at me, talking about how I was crazy and I was not going to go to Poland to get married to Stanisław, that they would stop me if they had to have me committed.
See, what happened is that [my daughter and son-in-law] got on my computer while I was at work and read all the archives of my conversations. They read all my conversations with Stanisław and Kasia and Kryztina. There were some disparaging comments made about [my daughter] for sure, as she and [her husband] have borrowed money from me that they have not returned and there have been many problems since they have come here to live.
But I was flabbergasted that they broke into my private files. That is like opening my mail, or getting into my purse. And then to have the nerve to light into me because of what they did not like about themselves that they read. That is beyond belief. They violate my privacy and then have the nerve to be offended at me because they did not like what they read.
[my son-in-law] also sent Stanisław a horrible and hateful message. Very threatening and hostile and accusatory. He wouldnít show it to me but Stanisław did later when I talked to him. You should have seen it, it was terrible. He accused Stanisław of being a cult leader and told him he could forget about me joining his harem, that they were going to have my feeble minded self committed. He went on to make some very threatening statements toward Stanisław. It was just horrible. If I had been Stanisław I think I would have run as fast as I could from me and my hateful family. But of course he didnít. As always his only concern was for what I was going through. He kept asking me repeatedly if I was ok. And he told me what he wanted me to do and how to respond to stay safe and try to keep the situation from deteriorating completely.
I donít know if that is possible though. [My son-in-law] has also done something to the desktop as it is completely fried. I donít know what he did but I think I will get rid of it and just use my laptop. I canít believe that he forgot that I had that one. I guesss they thought if they destroyed my computer that I would not talk to Stanisław anymore and that would be the end of everything. How silly and naÔve they are, not to mention evil. I cannot believe that my own family would do this to me. It is one thing to disagree with someone, quite another to plan and carry out willful sabotage against them. I am so upset. And hurt.
I am thinking that the situation is forcing me to realize where my true family and purpose lie. So perhaps Yahwehís hands are to be seen here after all. I am so sorry for all of this and the stress it has caused Stanisław though.
Well I guess I will quit whining and go to sleep for a while. [My daughter and son-in-law] say they are moving, and I hope they mean it. I donít think I can continue to live with them. How could I ever trust them again?
32. Visit to Poland Sabotaged
November 1, 2001
I am so depressed. Today was to have been the day I was to catch a plane to go visit Stanisław and family and we were to be formally betrothed. Everyone had been telling me how hard everyone is working to get everything ready. I feel like part of me is missing.
I visited a long time with Stanisław and Kasia and Kryztina today. He was teasing me and trying to get me out of this funky mood I was in. He can be such a clown when he gets to going. I cannot hear him now as this laptop does not have audio but at least I have the laptop to talk to him. That would be awful if we could not even communicate. I think that is what [my daughter and son-in-law] were after. Thatís why the willful destruction of my desktop. Everyone is being so kind to me, very supportive and caring, and I am trying to trust that all will work according to the Yahwehís will but this is difficult.
My vacation from work has begun. That sure adds insult to injury. I am sitting here in my apartment and longing to be at home with my family and now I have two whole weeks to sit here and think about it. Not even work to distract me. What a long drawn out stretch of time. Oh well, maybe I can get caught up on my journal. Hehehhehe I am laughing to keep from crying. Will write more later.
33. An Uneaten Welcome Dinner
November 2, 2001
I have been crying all day. I was to have arrived today. I am sentimental about things like that. I have spent most of the day online with Stanisław and sissies and they have been valiantly trying to tease me into not thinking about it but I canít help it. I miss them all so much and I was so looking forward to being home. I know it will come to pass, and I know now was just not quite the time, but I do not come by patience easily. I must definitey work on that, patience that is.
Stanisław was teasing me. Clowning around and sending me funny pictures to try to make me laugh and cut up with him. At one point I was eating chocolate mints and I offered some to him and he said, ďNo, thanks, I am full from your welcome dinner.Ē Well I just busted up, bawling like a baby. I know he did not mean to make me cry, but I did. I just felt like it was not going to happen that something would happen to keep me from ever going to be with my family and Stanisław told me that would not happen. He told me that he would see to it that we would all be together and for me please not to worry. I just feel sometimes like it is not going to happen, that it is destined to remain some sort of online relationship without ever us meeting in the flesh. I know that is ridiculous but thatís how it feels.
As Stanisław kept talking to me, trying to alternately tease and verbally carress me into feeling better, the conversation took a very personal tone and we reiterated our commitments to each other and the family and Stanisław told me that in his heart the commitment was made, and he would never break that with me, that as far as he was concerned, we were already commited for good. I feel so much better, that is how I have felt but I was not sure if he might not get tired of things not working out right and I have been a little shaky anyway.
I still do not know how I have been so fortunate, but I know I have, I humbly thank Yahweh every day for the blessing of this man and family.
34. Opposition from Friends Now
November 5, 2001
Boy, I am about to decide I donít ever want to talk to anyone or make friends with anyone again. I had an incident where a friend of mine and Stanisławís both made some comments I was a little concerned about so I reported them to Stanisław. He then, in the spirit of Christian brotherhood and conflict resolution asked another brother to act as mediator and counsel with this man as we were both a little upset about the folks who are trying to discourage me and make feel like I cannot trust the man Yahweh has led me to commit my life to. It looks like the situation is going to get a little tense. Stanisław has asked me not to speak with them for a while until this is resolved.
I donít know what is going on. It seems like everyone is having problems getting along. Must be something in the water or something. Such a contentious and argumentative spirit in control here. I find I am even more testy than usual. Sheesh thatís ridiculous. Grown folk acting this way. Anyway, I have written a poem and an article with it talking about how it hurts when those close to you betray you and let you down, and Stanisław said he would put it up on the web page here in a little while. It helps to write when these kinds of things happen. Helps to diffuse the tension and helps to clarify my thinking.
I am thinking that satan must be attacking in full force. It seelms like everything is coming to a head at once. It is so sad to see
35. A Public Attack
November 8, 2001
Boy it just keeps getting better. Stanisław and I are under public attack by one of the wives of the man we have had a conflict with. Besides being sad as we were friends, there was an oppressive sense of evil in the attack. I am not sure why she took it to a public forum but she seems to feel I have betrayed them in some way since I told Stanisław what was said. I truly do not know why she feels that way. I wonder what she would have me do. Remarks were made disparaging the man that is to be my husband. Really now, whom would I be betraying if I didn't say anything? If I have to choose whether to tell him what is being said or keep it secret to keep someone else from getting their feelings hurt guess what line I am going to be in. I will stand with Stanisław and follow his guidance for dealing with this. That is just the way it is.
I think part of the problem is that we have both written articles about conflict resolution and proper conduct in them for Christians utilizing the events that have occurred over the last few days to illustrate the points we have made. No one was identified and the only ones who would have known who were involved were us and them but they chose to see it as a personal attack and a betrayal of privacy. They felt as if we had betrayed their confidence and attacked them publically because of the articles but that makes no sense at all. Writers use real life events all the time to illustrate abstract principles. We have tried to explain that in detail but they do not want to hear it nor do they show any desire to keep this difference out of the public eye. It is distressing but not of our doing so I guess there is no help for it.
To give an example of where their spirit resides, the wife that responded attackingly in public actually said that unless I came to my senses and left Stanisław, we could no longer be friends. Is that not an evil thing to say? Like I would violate everything I believe in to accommodate her condition of friendship. She seems to feel that all of this is Stanisław's fault. She is not realizing nor willing to realize that she has stepped out of line scripturally firstly, for usurping her husband's authority in the resolution of this matter, and secondly, in her placing a demonic condition as a requirement for resolution between her. I will pray for her. As unpleasant as her actions were and as much as it may have hurt, she hurt herself far worse by such willful disobedience. There is such a cold atmosphere right now. I feel very sorry for them all.
I am so sorry for all this but I am not sure what more we can do to resolve. Oh well will write more later.
36. To Resign from Work
November 16, 2001
Well today it is back to work. I can hardly wait. I have been off long enough to make me not want to go back lol. I have no motivation but I know I must go. Stanisław and I have arrived at a day of departure for me. I will tender my resignation when I get back to work tonight. It is really real, really going to happen. This is exciting.
There is still this distance between us and the other family over the earlier conflict. Every once in a while I will run into one of them on the internet and while I try to remain civil and act like a Christian sister, there does not seem to be an interest in getting back to where we were. That is sad but does not hurt like it did.
Stanisław told me when I start back to work not to leave my laptop at the house. As it is the only way we have to communicate, he wants me to keep it with me at all times to prevent anything from happening to it. It is a shame to feel this paranoid but I am not sure how else to feel with everything that has happened.
37. A Snowy Thanksgiving
November 22, 2001
Well, today is Thanksgiving and I do have much to be thankful. During times like these it is important to remember that despite the trials we are all going through we are indeed truly blessed. For all that this country is at war with terrorism and there is much turmoil in my private life, I am truly blessed of Yahweh. He has given me Stanisław and Kasia and Kryztina and He has given and maintained my health. I am so thankful for that. I pray I never become so self-centered that I cannot see past the temporary trials to the wondrous blessings I have been giving.
Well, it snowed half a foot here this week. Imagine that. Stanisław has been teasing me about having to get used to the cold where they are and it has been warmer there than here. That is a riot. I actually had to break out my winter coat.
The bad thing is that I cannot walk in the ice and snow. I took a flying slide out my front door and fell flat of my back on the concrete steps. I am so, so, so sore. My tailbone hurting me. I think that Stanisław found my clumsiness amusing but I do not see the humor. It hurt me. Whew I am going to have to be more careful. I do not bounce as well as I used to. I am thankful though, that I did not break anything. I have been known to. Hehehehehe. I did not work this week as I was sick and I am pretty sure I will not work this weekend either seeing as how I can barely walk. I gotta be more careful
Today is my oldest grandson's birthday. This is going to be the hard part about leaving. I am going to miss my grandchildren terribly. I know I will not have much to do with them when I leave as antagonistic as their mama is to what I am doing. That has caused me tears and anguish more than I can tell you but there is no help for it. Stanisław has been most understanding and kind. He is willing to do whatever he can to keep me in touch with them, but I am afraid it is not up to us, it is up to [my daughter], and I do not see her allowing contact at least in the near future. I will miss them.
38. More Sabotage
November 30, 2001
Well, all the preliminary preparations are made. Tickets bought, last minute details are ironing out. I think everything is finally coming together. I have given notice at work. I am pretty sure I am not going back there. I have not told Stanisław this yet but things are getting strange there. I am sure that my cousin has gone to work and been spreading tales about me. I have been teased unmercifully, which is not a big deal, but what disturbs me is things are starting to happen around my work area. Oil spills where there weren't any, machines being reset etc. It is like someone is trying to set me up to get hurt. I truly do not understand that. Why would anyone care what I am doing? They never have before, why now? I will talk with Stan about it and see what he says about it but I have a feeling he won't want me to go back as he is not too impressed with where I work anyway,
Well, I have made a huge mistake and disregarded what Stanisław told me to boot. I loaned [my daughter and son-in-law] my laptop the last night I was at work and surprise, surprise, surprise, when I got home it was dead in the water. They swear that they did not do anything to it but I am very suspicious. I will have to rent one or something till I get ready to go. That is two computers in a month. This is getting ridiculous. And I was disobedient besides. You know, that does not feel very good. I think I am beginning to understand.
I am tired and I want to go home. I think it is not going to get much better till I do.
38. Yet More Sabotage
December 4, 2001
Oh dear, trouble after trouble. I have learned today that my suspicions were right all along. I have talked to people that we know mutually and [my daughter] has boldly stated that she destroyed my laptop and that she and [her husband] were going to stop me from going to Poland. I am devastated. I thought we had made some sort of peace. She had even invited me to stay with them the last couple of weeks I was here. I was so hurt with Stanisław because he had stated categorically that he did not want me to do that. I obeyed him but I thought it was arbitrary on his part - that he was just angry because of what had already transpired. When will I learn? He was right all along and now my very departure is in jeopardy. There is even still talk of having me committed. While it would be difficult to have me formally committed, it would be a fairly simple matter to have me picked up on a 72 hour emergency commitment for evaluation and that would wreck havoc, not to mention cause me to lose my reservation on the airplane. Now I am frightened. Frightened and angry, at them and at myself.
Them because I feel like I have been lied to one more time. I am so tired of them thinking that I am too stupid to see what they are doing. I have always known. I just thought I could love them enough and help them enough that they would change. That has been my only stupidity, thinking that anything I could do would make any difference. I should have known better but now my eyes are finally and completely open. I pray I am not too late.
I am also angry with myself. I have disobeyed Stanisław and my attitude has been very rebellious. I did not trust him to have my best interest at heart and I have rebelled against his authority and have rapidly gotten a quick lesson in why things are set up the way they are. Now, because of my actions and attitude, things are going to be much more complicated and tense. I am very sorry.
I confessed everything to Stanisław, my attitude and my disobedience. I guess I thought he would be angry, maybe even just tell me to go away. I really am stupid. He was so kind and gracious. More forgiving than I could have imagined or could be myself. I am truly blessed and I will learn. I will learn to listen to him and not rebel against his instructions. He really does have my best interests in mind.
Now we have to do things a little different. We are working on a plan to shake up the enemy's plan to stop me. More later.
40. EXODUS: Part 1
December 7, 2001
Well, we have a plan. I am leaving in the morning and going to stay in the city for a few days before my plane leaves. Stanisław decided I needed to be out of my home town well before the day I originally planned to leave so I am going to leave Saturday morning and just hang out in the city till time to catch my plane. This is would be exciting if it weren't so necessitated by what [my daughter and son-in-law] did. I still am so very sorry that they can't be part of this but they have made it a little evident that they very hostile to what I am doing. Anyway, should be lots of fun.
Well, I am getting a little concerned about my laptop. The little guy cannot get the one I bought to run. Something about drivers and not being able to find them anywhere. Makes no sense to me, but I am a little concerned. After all I am leaving tomorrow. I have everything in order I think. I have my ticket, passport, money, I think I have done all I can as far as disposing of my things goes. Just waiting on the laptop. The guy at the shop says that if he cannot get mine fixed, he will get me another one but we are running out of time. That's all well and good here but I am running out of time.
[My daughter] came by last night. It was very difficult not to say anything to her, but I know that I can't let her in on my plans. It was her actions that necessitated all the cloak and dagger in the first place. I am tired of all of this.
Anyway, will check later about the computer and meanwhile I will run some last minute errands. I want to have a battery put in my stopwatch to give my oldest grandson as a gift. He just had his birthday and besides, it may be a while before I see him again. That is difficult, knowing that the last time I saw him is the last time I am going to see him for possibly a very long while. I really don't want to think about that as it will just make me cry and nothing I can do about it anyway.
41. Flight to Kijůw
December 8, 2001
Oh sheesh, they still don't have the computer ready. This is turning out to be a huge mess. I am supposed to catch the shuttle to get to the city this morning. I was a little upset when I went in there this morning, so he offered to take me to Kijůw as I will certainly miss my shuttle by the time they get the other computer and get it ready.
Well, I am finally in the city. I have the computer problems sorted out and finally here at the hotel. It took another couple of hours to figure out how to get online here. I finally got online here, and sure enough Stanisław was waiting for me. He must have been worried sick. But what a comedy of errors. First of all, the guy that brought me got lost three times before he finally found my hotel. Then, there were all kinds of problems with getting online. I am so glad I told the lady in the office that if a fellow calls for me from Poland, to tell him that I was ok, that I was just trying to figure out how to get online. When I finally did get online, I could tell that Stanisław had been worried, so I explained to him all that had happened and explained to him how everything that could have gone wrong did. I am so glad that this day is over. Whew.
42. Last Days in My Homeland
December 9-11, 2001
It has been a quiet few days just hanging out at the hotel and resting. I have gotten one of the ladies who lives here to run me into the city to run a few errands. I have gotten my last minute purchases. I have been a very good girl. Heehee. Gradually getting everything together to make my escape. I was very upset about one thing. I left my picture album at home and now I don't have my pictures of the grandkids. I cried about that all one morning but I guess it will be ok, will have to be nothing I can do about that now. I guess I really do have to leave everything behind and begin again. That certainly seems to be the idea anyway.
I have been planning all day what I am going to wear tomorrow and what time I am going to get up and go to the airport. I doubt very seriously that I will sleep much tonight though as tomorrow is the big day. I am getting nervouser and nervouser.
43. Leaving at Last
December 12, 2001
Today is the day. I woke up early this morning to talk to Stanisław for a while. He told me to try to get some more sleep but I think that is hopeless so I just stayed up doing some last minute things, deciding what to wear, making sure everything is packed, making sure I have my ticket, passport, and money all together and accounted for lol. I am so afraid I will lose something and they will kick me off the plane or something. I know I am being silly but I can't help it. I have never been on such a trip before.
I made it to the airport, but I am aggravated. I asked the first airport person I saw where I was supposed to go and he sent me to the wrong terminal. Not just the wrong desk, mind you, but the wrong terminal altogether. So I had to lug my luggage on the train to another terminal but I made it ok. Got all checked in and now I just have to wait. I met a very nice young lady from Russia and another from Estonia and we had a lovely visit while we were waiting for the plane. We played games on the computer and visited and just had a lovely afternoon. It was a blessing, as I didn't have time to dwell on my grandkids and how much I miss them. Before I knew, it was time to leave.
I made it on the flight ok and we made it through takeoff. I must have said the Lord's Prayer and the 23rd Psalm over about 50 times during takeoff but we made it ok. That is the only time I really get frightened, is on takeoffs and landings. It's kind of funny, but a friend asked me after she found out I was flying to Poland if I wasn't afraid to fly right now. I told her of course I wasn't, that it was likely safer to fly now than it was two years ago as two years ago. It was sad to see the soldiers at the airport though...
44. Home at Last!
December 13, 2001
1 am Ok, now this is not fun any more. I have a great big fella in back of me who has his knees in my back and a little old lady in front of me who has her seat in my lap and I feel a little like a sardine if you know what I mean. I have been uncomfortable for the whole flight. I know, whine, whine, whine. But it sure does seem like a long trip. What am I saying? Of course it is a long trip. It is kind of neat to think though that in just a short while, we are going to land in Warsaw. Cool, huh. Even if I won't get to do anything but switch airports there, it's going to be fun.
The flight to Warsaw went without any trouble. More prayers and psalms during takeoff and landing rofl. The landing in Warsaw was kind of traumatic though. I kind of got lost. I walked the length of the airport the wrong way then had to walk back carrying all my carryon bags to go through customs and then had to go to the baggage claim area still with no sign of Stanisław. I picked up my bags and proceeded to get lost trying to get out of the baggage claim area. At that point I just burst into tears. I was exhausted and I felt like I had come all the way around the world just to be abandoned at the airport. I bawled and I bawled and I bawled all over the baggage claim area till I accidentally found the right exit door and went through it and someone grabbed me and said, 'It is I!' I just grabbed him and held on and laughed and cried at the same time and felt generally silly. Of course I had not been abandoned at the airport but he seemed to understand. I was just exhausted. It has been a long day.
We had a wonderful journey from Warsaw though. We took a bus to the railway station and then caught a train for the bulk of the journey into Lublin, then Stanisław drove us home from there. It was wonderful to have a couple of hours alone with him before arriving at the house but I have to say that I was anxious to see Kasia and Kryztina as well. When we pulled up in the drive of the house, I knew I had arrived home. Immediately, I knew that my journey was over, I had finally arrived home. And there standing on the step were Kasia and Kryztina, and all I could think to say was, "Hello, sissies," as we hugged and bawled some more. We all collected ourselves and went into this huge old house. It looked wonderful, like one of those old manor houses that you see in pictures or something. Stanisław and Kasia and Kryztina helped me get my things inside, in fact would not let me carry my bags any longer. I was so tired I hurt but I could not resist a quick tour of this wonderful old house. They showed me around the upper and lower stories both and we had a snack in the kitchen, just like we had always been together. Then I started falling asleep at the table so they insisted that I retire which I was more than willing to do, as I was exhausted. I barely remember going to bed but I do remember the last conscious thought I had was one of gratitude and total peace.
45. First Day in Poland
December 14, 2001
I woke up this morning at home!!!!!!! I really did. It was great. I woke up and just walked around for a while. Stanisław and Kasia had gone into the Głusk (the local village) as I had slept way into the morning. I got to visit with Kryztina for a very long time over a hot drink and she showed me around and where things were and how things worked... It is so beautiful here. It is like a postcard. Trees and forest everywhere. I went for a short walk with Kryztina (short because it was COLD) and we looked around the grounds. It is like going back in time 100 years to a Currier and Ives scene with a horse drawn sleigh and bells and masses of white snow everywhere. Except Stanisław keeps telling me that it is not snow, it is frost. That it hasn't snowed here yet. I can't wait; it is going to be so pretty.
It has been a wonderful day. I thought perhaps there might be a little awkwardness at first since we all just met but it has been like I just came home. We have all talked and talked all day and just caught up on everything. It just doesn't feel like I just got here, except I don't know where anything is of course. I seem to be fitting into the household routine pretty easily considering I just arrived. I think everyone is as glad for me to be here as I am to be here. It is truly wonderful.
Tonight is the 6th night of Hanukkah and there was a very nice ceremony at dinner, with scripture reading and candle lighting. It was very beautiful and I was asked to read the scripture. That was very kind of them. And it was a very lovely dinner by candlelight. I still have much to learn about the Holy Days but I think I am always going to enjoy Hanukkah especially. I have now met everyone in the family except Stanisław's mother. I am dreading that a little but who doesn't dread meeting their mother-in-law for the first time lol. This is also the first time I have been able to observe the Sabbath properly and it has been a lovely day.
46. My Marriage Day!
December 15, 2001
Today is the day I am getting married. I am still absorbing that. I am getting married today. The shock is still rather profound when I think about it. We all sat this afternoon and talked about the ceremony and how it would proceed. We are going to have the private family ceremony now and the public ceremony will be held later when everything is more settled. It would be a lie if I did not admit to being a little nervous. My life will change much here and some of the changes I am not very comfortable with nor do I think they are quite fair but I have agreed so I must keep my word, both to Stanisław and to Yahweh.
And I know I can trust him, I just was not completely prepared for the enormity of the changes that would take place. I have to remember that I knew there would be some giving up as well as gaining, and the only reason it frightens me is the loss of control. That is an issue that will be solved completely only with time, meantime I will do my very best to submit to my husband's authority and trust that he has my best interest at heart. I know I am loved and wanted, by Stanisław as well as my sisters, and until I understand better, I will have to let that be enough.
We have talked about the ceremony and Stanisław and the ladies have described it to me. It sounds like it will be beautiful. I really like the idea that we all three will take part in the ceremony and take covenants. It feels very right to make the whole family part of it as we will be living as one family and I hope grow to be one spiritually. It's a lovely concept anyway.
9 pm It was just beautiful. The ladies were dressed in white with long flowing veils and Stanisław was dressed all in white. There was lovely music in the background and candlelight and much symbolism and bonding. It was wonderful. After the ceremony we all hugged and cried and prayed together then Kasia and Kryztina said good night, and the rest of my wedding night is private, thank you very much.
47. A Trip to Lublin
December 18, 2001
I made my first trip into Lublin to do the shopping. I went with Kasia and we walked all about town and I saw the shops. We stopped one place to get medicine for Stanisław, and we went to several others just looking around. I got a library card and we went and did the grocery shopping. It was a lot of fun but it is going to be quite a while before I can go on my own. Not just because of the language barrier, but also because of the money barrier, figuring out how many złotys equals what. I have an awful lot to learn.