For almost a year now I have been going through big changes in my life: first I headed in the wrong direction, and then both back on the right path, and into new areas on it which I have not been aware of before. My wish is to share some of what I have discovered so that you may be warned about the traps I have been stuck in, or, if you have already fallen in too, tell you how I got out.
First let me state catagorically that the reason I fell in these traps was doubt. It is amazing that I am about ten thousand years behind Eve in time, and yet I make exactly the same mistakes! Seems to me that learning is not my strong side - hehe.
For some time I have been struggling with trust and have delighted to see that I don't actually have to be afraid of trusting in either Yahweh, or my husband. I have tried to explain how not trusting affected me in another article called The Ruler. Now after having continually trusted Yahweh, and Stanisław, with more and more areas in my life I have discovered still more traps that I am now escaping.
As we grow up we all form an idea of what we should be like ... the women find out what a woman should be like and a man figures out how to be a man. But as you know there are billions of different ideas about what the genders actually are supposed to be like. My rôle models were my mother, my elder sister, later also my younger sister, and to a lesser degree the wider range of female relatives and friends. My heroine was Cinderella. I desired to be sweet natured, hard working, patient and beautiful. Now these are good virtues, but not very descriptive guidelines. I let anything and anyone define what was sweet to do, for instance. Beauty had to be formed according to the eye that saw. Patience becomes an enemy if you are not supposed to be strict ever. If we lived in an ideal world where no protection was needed, we would never need to be strict or protect what Yahweh has given for our stewardship, but unfortunately we have an enemy who delights in harming, and stealing from, us.
I believe for me the main confusion was based on who to please and who not to please. I've tried pleasing all, and have kept it going pretty well until I started to discover last summer that what I had thought was under my control, actually had me in it's power. I was dependent on pleasing everyone who wished it. Then I tried to master it myself. I would please me! This was so much simpler for a while, then I started to realise that I was beginning to lose the goodwill that had been the reason for my addiction to others in the first place. People who were not willing to adore me, were revolted! And I began to be revolted by myself.
In order to justify that following my own will was good and noble, I embraced a whole set of lies. Such as believing that I was created good, and every desire I had would be good, because my Creator was loving and would not have made life hard for me by complicating things outside of my reason and ability. A loving Creator, I concluded, would not give me any enemies, and would set me free to do whatever I pleased. All the problems in the world were based on an illusionary enemy that people feared and acted as though as if death had power over them. In my philosophy it had none. I was created by a good god who would keep me secure for ever, to say anything else did not make sense and was too sad for me to accept.
When I then was faced by Stanisław and he fed me the Scriptures I was at first very condescending, and thought him a fearing twit who didn't know better although I cared for him in the sence that he was a fellow human being, but one without my insight ... at that time. But after having heard him more there were certain parts of the Scripture that didn't quite fit with my view of things ... the demons that Yah'shua (Jesus) sent into the pigs were not supposed to have existed, for instance. Nor did I have a very conclusive answer to why He died on the cross (although I assumed it had something to do with enabling me to be as carefree as I was). After some unwelcome Scripture study, I started to mend my way back to the narrow path, and when I then witnessed another person's deliverance and encountered the demons for myself, I had no longer any excuse to deny their existenece, nor their evil motives.
Recognizing the fact that I did have enemies after all made it imposible for me to make my own law ... I was too small. It wouldn't be safe, and I could also harm others by doing it. It was painful, but I have always wanted truth rather than comfort if the two conflict.
Now the question was still: 'Who do I please?' I had two rivals, my parents and siblings (who claimed to know Elohim's/God's will) and my husband and family (who claimed to follow Elohim/God). I knew I wanted to please Yahweh, but I had trouble deciding in which camp His love was actually found, because the two were in opposition. I then made a conscious decision that Stanisław would be the best choice (based on many reasons). After that, I was shown how the ruler worked in my life and since then more blind spots have kept being revealed in my life. With every decision to trust, Yahweh has rewarded me greatly, and the joy I have experieneced, both individually and with the others has been owerwhelming and wonderful. And now I am aware that I am being made able to truly witness with firm steadfastness to my family, and not feel inclined to make way for their teachings, but rather shine my light, pleasing Yahweh only, and let them also have the option of subjecting themselves to the truth.
I will end this article here but I have a few more topics to write on as a result of this transformation, and I hope it will be as joyous for you as it has been for me. Yahweh bless you and keep you, may He let his light shine upon you so that you may see and accept His truth and receive joy and peace!