In my article called "Look Out" I have talked a little about how one may experience the same situation two totally different ways. One gives satisfaction, the other makes it hard to feel at ease. The reason I wrote that article is because I have experienced what it is like to look in rather than out in several periods of my life. Now I wish to shed some light on how this happens and how to get unstuck. A dear brother in Christ heard me talking enthusiatically about this subject and reccomended a book called Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You by James G. Friesen, Ph.D., E. James Wilder, Ph.D., Anne M. Bierling, M.A., Rick Koepcke, M.A., and Maribeth Poole, M.A.. It is about how one can be made whole, mature, recover, belong, learn about ones heart and truly live in Yahweh. It has this to say about living from ones heart rather than ones hurt (or as I put it, looking out rather than in):
This indicates that 'looking in' is part of a defence or coping mechanism that has been created through hurt. Along the way I believe I am not the only person who has felt that my trust has been broken. The reason I spoke of a young child in my example of someone who looks out in the article, is because the older we grow the more likely we are to have felt the need to protect ourselves. Danger is a real problem in this world. Our problems start however when we put up defence when it is not needed. In fact, unprovoked defence is the same as attack, which may cause others to defend themselves also.
"Your journy (to maturity) will go well if you can live from your heart, the heart Jesus (Yah'shua) gave you. While you are living from your hurt, you may not be able to discover the characteristics of your heart. As God (Elohim) heals your hurt and is invited into every area of your life, you will be able to discover the nature of your heart. The people who see you as God (Elohim) sees you can tell you what your heart is really like, so pay attention to what they tell you about your heart and use it as your guide for living. When you are living from your heart you are truly being yourself. Joy increases and fear decreases, as you go about your daily activities. The word 'freedom' is often used to describe how it feels to live from your heart, and you certainly need freedom to make headway along your maturity pathway."
My defence mechanism assumed the shape of a ruler. The measurement was to what extent my expectations were fulfilled. When they were not the red alert light started blinking and I felt and acted like a threatened animal, sometimes I fled (most often inwardly), other times I would launch at others to make sure they weren't alowed to get closer and hurt me further.
A few days ago I tried to describe this ruler to my husband and he told me how he felt about it too. To him it was like walking in a minefield, as you get to know a person you know better where the mines are and can enjoy a relatievly peaceful condition, but it would be far better to have no mines.
To give a few examples of how my ruler worked (and I know I could still choose to pick it up again, but I am trilled whenever I can let it be) it may have one measure saying: 'If Stanisław loves me, he will make sure to come and see me outside of fixed times at least once a day.' If he failed to do this I would feel neglected. Sometimes I would conclude that he didn't actually care about me, at other times I may have deemed that he was simply unable to and that I would either live with it or try to find a better solution. It was very painful.
Another problem could arise if I overslept and no-one had woken me. Didn't they care? Yet if they had woken me I may have thought they didn't care enough to let me sleep when I needed it! At the same time as the last thing in the world that I'd like to do to people is hurt them, I did create a very uncomfortable atmosphere many times, either they felt sorry for me being so upset, or they would have to listen to my complaining and critisicing genuinely considering that things weren't good enough. My ruler would also strike hard on my self. I was not alowed to copy others and needed to stay original (an insane rule I picked up as a child), I hated myself if I discovered I lacked love in any area, and if I failed at a project or it didn't go as expected I was torn apart.
When I told Stanisław about this, and realizing I didn't wish to go on that way he looked into my eyes and said: 'Kasia, I want you to throw away that ruler and replace it with the one I wish to give you now.' I am rather curious and this certainly got my attention. 'I want you to accept a new one which says 'Yah'shua loves you' on the one side and on the other it says 'Stanisław loves you'". I could hardly believe it... THAT simple? What about if I wasn't safe? Was I safe? Would that ruler provide all I needed? I decided to trust him. He has even made me a physical ruler that says those things. Now the question is... Did it work, and am I safe?
I don't have any further means of knowing now, than I did with the first ruler if I am safe. I am not sure how that could truly be satisfactoraly answered. But what I do know, is the relief... The sentence that I quoted above which says: The word 'freedom' is often used to describe how it feels to live from your heart couldn't be truer. I have a new sense of freedom. I have been liberated by trusting truth before, but this was one of those life changing experiences where I consider my past rather miserable in comparison.
My first reaction to this unconditional love made me able to make a promise to my husband - which I would have had to have forced myself to fulfil if I had given it before I realized how things actually were. It went something like:
I shall no longer look at your actions and ask: 'Is that how a lover acts?' Instead I will look at your actions to see how a lover acts. Your actions will be my standard of what a lover is.
Love from Kasia
The exact wording can be found in Stanisław's article.
In the same way I will continue to look to Yahweh and learn what my true Elohim (God) is like. I will look at His Word and learn by believeing it, not evaluating it.
Here are some of the fruits I have already tasted from doing this. It was my turn to make supper that evening. I fell asleep and didn't wake up before I only had half an hour left. I knew I would have panicked thinking nobody cared to even wake me. This time I was able to rejoice that I was accepted just as I am, and that Yahweh in His love had given me half an our to do the job. I no longer need to impress people - I am loved already and it won't slip away from me. I can also much more calmly receive critisism, as I no longer believe it is a personal attack, but given to help me improve my days.
Another detail I'd like to share is that when you try to make sure someone stayes in your grip, they won't feel comfortable, but when they notice that they are welcome into your embrace they will wish to stay close. The record I subconsciously kept of how often my husband came to see me, made him feel a prisoner. Now that I don't expect it and he feels free to come at will, he mentioned two days ago that he has spontaniously started to go and look for me (and of course his other wives) more often than he used to. This has happened without me actually even wording that I had had such an expectation in the past... People pick up more than what is spoken. I am also able to enjoy his presence as a bonus rather than a drug that I'm addicted to in order to live. I have been given great freedom and it is sweet.