Honouring dishonourable parent never means honouring their wickedness. Honouring parents does not mean obeying them when that obedience requires that you disobey Yahweh. That alone is often enough to enrage them to the point that they will start persecuting their own children either subtly or overtly. When unbelieving parents, or believing parents living in major sin, go for their believing and Yahweh-honouring children's throats, it's because they have demonic issues that urgently need addressing. The unloving behaviour is usually not them - it's usually their demons. Indeed, in spite of their unloving and often hurtful behaviour, it is usually the case that the parents do actually love their children but are in such bondage that they are unable to express it. Don't assume that unloving behaviour doesn't mean that dishonourable parents don't love honourable children. They are often spiritual cripples and can't help themselves. They are often deeply ashamed of their behaviour but are too proud to get help, or too stubborn to want to change.

Because of the special relationship between parents and children - the dependence children have on their parents (and yes, it remains even in adulthood...don't adults feel 'little' around their parents even years after they have left home and grown up?) - it is especially hurtful to children who should be getting love, nourishment and support and not the opposite! Youngsters who have to grow up with dishonourable parents are invariably spiritually damaged by them and need help themselves. They naturaly seek others to give them what their parents have so shamefully neglected to do, which can in turn make dishonourable parents jealous and even more hurtful. And yet we are not allowed to dishonour our parents. What exactly does that mean?

For one thing, honouring your parents does not mean just sitting there and taking abuse. Standing up to their dishonourable behaviour is not dishonouring them. It's helping them and you. Leaving violently abusive parents and seeking safety is not dishonouring them - it's saving your life, which is the higher priority. But what you must not do - however great the temptation and however hard to resist because of the hurt inside - is to strike back at them in anger. When we stand up to an unrighteous parent is must always be done out of love and concern for them. That implies two things:

• 1. You have Christ IN you...because if you don't, you'll never manage to do it in your own power - this requires supernatural power to stand above what is an otherwise a deep, natural instinct to submit to and obey parents unconditionally;

• 2. You have to mature - because parents are wicked to their children, their children remain stunted in the emotional growth, even into adulthood. This means getting Christ to help you grow up so that you can handle your parents and do what is right and best for them. This can only usually be achieved away from them.

But doesn't the New Testament say we should obey our parents unconditionlly? Well, no, not exactly:

"Children, obey your parents in Yahweh (the Lord), for this is right" (Eph.6:1, NKJV).

• 1. In our obeying (when we are to obey), we are to do it IN Christ...in His power and strengthening; and
• 2. We are to obey them so long as it does not require us to break any of Yahweh's commandments.

• 1. Once a man leaves home and 'comes of age', he is no longer under his parents' law and is not obliged to obey them any longer; and the same is true of a woman once she gets married (for then she comes under her husband's law) - but they are still to honour them;
• 2. Until a boy or girl receives Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah (becoming a son or daughter of Torah and the commandments, obliging them to independently observe all the mitzvot) at or after the age of 12, their only obligation is to the moral Torah while they are under hostile parental rule. This means loving, not cheating or lying, showing respect, etc..

"Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to Yahweh" (Col 3:20, NKJV).

"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged" (Col.3:21, NKJV).

"He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me" (Matt.10:37, NKJV).

All parents have shortcomings because like children they are sinners too. Irrespective of their imperfections, we are to show them the same grace of Messiah that we want shown to us. And because it is grace (undeserved) we are to give it even if we don't get it in return. Grace transcends all age gaps, all authority structures, all cultures, races, ideologies and even religions. We are to show grace even to the heathen, just as Yahweh does. And yes, even to our national leaders who may be despots - we are commanded to pray for them and render unto Caesar what is Caesar's (taxes). However, if they command us to break the commandments of Yahweh, what are we to do?

"And when they had brought them, they set them before the council. And the high priest asked them, saying, 'Did we not strictly command you not to teach in this name (Yah'shua/Jesus)? And look, you have filled Jerusalem with your doctrine, and intend to bring this Man's blood on us!' But Peter and the other apostles answered and said: 'We ought to obey Elohim (God) rather than men. The Elohim of our fathers raised up Yah'shua whom you murdered by hanging on a tree. Him Elohim has exalted to His right hand to be Prince and Saviour, to give repentance to Israel and forgiveness of sins. And we are His witnesses to these things, and so also is the Ruach haQodesh (Holy Spririt) whom Elohim has given to those who obey Him'" (Acts 5:27-32, NKJV).

Ultimately, the way we love or honour others - whether parents or people in general - has nothing to do with their behaviour if we are walking in the grace of our Messiah Yah'shua. Honouring someone in the biblical way is a choice, not a feeling. We may loathe the person we honour. Personally I have little respect for the government that rules in my country of residence but I honour it because Yahweh has appointed it to maintain order and provide for its citizens.

Abusive parents are the hardest to deal with and they often know how to guilt and manipulate their children into being silent and complient while they continue their abuse unchecked. Remembering that honour is not first and foremost about feelings, but about a choice (though ideally it should involve a grateful heart), let us be quite clear what honouring a parent is NOT. It is not:

• 1. Never saying anything about their faults - but there is a right (respectful) and a wrong (disrespectful) way of doing it;
• 2. Enabling a wicked parent to remain in sin by saying and doing nothing;
• 3. Thinking he is wonderful when he is not;
• 4. Having feelings of love when they are hurting you.

We best honour our parents by honouring Yahweh-Elohim first. That way we have stability, solid ground under our feet, emotional balance and mental clarity. Is it indeed possible to honour our earthly parents without first honouring our Heavenly ones? I think not, even though our earthly ones are supposed to set the tavnith or pattern for their children so that they find it easier returning home to Elohim. It seems the majority these days struggle with dysfunctional parents whom they find hard to honour when they come to Messiah. This is understandable. But it can be done, and done joyfully, once we are firmly in the arms of Yahweh through Yah'shua His Son and can tell the difference between true guilt (that comes from Torah-disobedience) and false guilt (caused by the wicked manipulation of bad parents and others in our lives).

Most believers lack a balanced or true understanding of what it is to honour parents. I hope these thoughts help resolve that a little more clearly.

Acknowledgements

[1] Danni Moss, How Do I Honor an Abusive Parent?