New Covenant Ministries
If you're a Christian and you like cracking smutty jokes or making jokes about Deity, then I reackon there's a pretty good chance that you are not walking with Christ in your life and that you are in dire need of repentance.
If you're a Christian and you don't like a good laugh from time to time then there's a good chance there is something missing in your life which is as the balm of Gilead.
If you're a Christian and like clean jokes and a good laugh from time to time then we hope you will find this Humour Page to your liking. Feel free to mail in any good jokes which you think readers of this page might enjoy!
The following is a compilation of answers to questions given by pupils in British GCSE examinations (for age 16 students). The humour is unintentional which makes it all the more funny!
- 1. "Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere."
- 2. "The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, 'Am I my brother's son?'"
- 3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada."
- 4. "Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines."
- 5. "The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth."
- 6. "Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name."
- 7. "Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline."
- 8. "In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java."
- 9. "Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long."
- 10. "Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus.""
- 11. "Nero was a cruel tyranny and would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them."
- 12. "Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense."
- 13. "In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature."
- 14. "Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head."
- 15. "It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper."
- 16. "The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet."
- 17. "Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He was Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained."
- 18. "During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called Nina, and Pinta, and the Santa Fe."
- 19. "Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this."
- 20. "One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead."
- 21. "Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career."
- 22. "Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenmentn was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy."
- 23. "Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees."
- 24. "Johan Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large."
- 25. "Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this."
- 26. "The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children."
- 27. "The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the West."
- 28. "Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign."
- 29. "The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up."
- 30. "Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers."
- A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
This Page was Created on 3 December 1998
Updated on 7 February 2017
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