As you all know Kasia isn't my real name and although pseudonyms are necessary in order to protect our family I have made a mistake... I started acting. Not concsiously, but trying to only show my good side almost like trying to make the first impression last. I know not all would be proud to be seen as this 'Kasia' but I continously have been nurturing what I have thought worth while. I am not saying that what I have said is not true, but some of the less happy sides of my character have been left out.
I wish to make amends here as I realize I am beginning to hate 'Kasia' because she is too demanding to be. I apologize if I have mislead people in this manner, I have not really been aware of doing this, and hope you can forgive me.
As you may have read we have been joined by congregations in East Africa and I was going to talk with some of the ladies there but I had run out of 'virtue' and that is when the reality of my acting stared me in the face. Although I am content at heart, I am not always content with my life, I have plenty of ups and downs and am struggling to find satisfactory solutions as well as I often know good answers but wish it didn't have to be that way. In other words Paul wasn't the only one with a thorn in his side.
In the past I used to think I was more able to control things and I liked to believe I was rational and level-headed. Well I have just shot myself in the foot - and there isn't anything rational about it! When I witnessed Kryztina's jealosy and I didn't feel jealous in the same way I used to think it was because I was trained better or had a different disposition. We have even had a new sister-wife come (although she has also gone) without me getting desperately jealous. But as Stanisław and I have got closer than ever after struggeling through the summer this year - CABOOM - a woman who is not even contemplating to be a wife yet, if ever, has stirred my very foundation just because Stanisław has been impressed by her spiritual zeal! Honestly I know this is bizzare and I am desperately ashamed. I should rejoice, and here I go worrying and talking nonsence by the yard and hurting like a wounded animal.
I even know exactly where rest is to be found. All I need do is to stop focusing on my self and fasten my eyes on Yah'shua (Jesus) and His love, and I could also get to know the lady better so that I could learn to really love her and we all know how love drives fear away. But my selfish heart only keeps repeating.. 'what about me!' And I hate it and endulge it - how stupid is that?
The basis for it all I suppose is my attitude. After having struggled this summer and having discovered that I shall spend the rest of my life with physical pain and the posibility of stiffening up to where I can not fully function - I had expected a rest.. well that doesn't seem to be the case. Not that I haven't been resting, I have desperately grabbed any rest I could get, at the cost of other members of my family who themselves could also do with a break. The problem is that I can do without a break but I don't wish it to be that way. So I go on, grumbling all the way, all the time draining those I love, and constantly flick between shame and self-pity.
I guess the main reason why I wrote all of this is to see it so that I can pull myself together and get going again. Hoping Yahweh will bless me and sustain me so that the weight of my burdens become like the weight her wings are to a bird. May He bless you too if you are unhappy, because as we know, He has plenty of happiness in store if we only are willing to reach out for it and let go of our attitude of misery.