Email #3 - Kryztina and Trish Exchange Emails (5 December 2001)
Not sure if you remember me. But here goes anyway. Over the past two weeks
I have been reading and studying about poly.
I have read many many of all the sites of others but mostly have centered
on the family that you are in.
But now would very much like to talk with you.
I am a Bible believing Christian and take my Christianity very seriously.
It is not a game and I love the Lord very much. I have known him since I was
a little girl. I did not come from a kind loving family, quite the opposite
as a matter of fact.
I find that I am now may be entering into a new phase in my life meaning
'poly'. I have to admit, every part of me, screams against it but at the
same time, I know where I should be. Not a fun place to be in when one is
What my position is, there is already an established legal marriage and I
am thinking of being added to it. What we will call the first wife, is most
likely not in favor of an 'additional wife', due to many years of
believing one way and living that way.
Your story speaks that it took nearly 7 years of many struggles before you
were set free to continue to live this lifestyle without much strife.
From your writings it sounds like on different occasions you wanted to
depart and not live under this type of style. Did you ever leave and come
back? Or did you stick it out through each and every trial?
Though you were very much loved by Stanisław and knew he cared for you deeply,
how did you think, feel or know you were not wanted in reality by the what
is called the 2nd wife, meaning Isabel? What I have read she is the
second wife, but in reality the only living with Stanisław at the time you came
What was a typical day like back before things smoothed out for you and
the rest of the family?
Were you in your eyes treated badly by Isabel, meaning ignorned, snapped
at, made to feel like this was her home and domain and you didn't belong
or fit. I am sure you realized she was going through her own trials as well
with your being there and understood that.
How long did it take before you and she recognized that this was as much
your home as hers?
Did they Stanisław and Isabel live and talk in the past much of the time,
like we used to do this and we used to do that. And our this and our that? I
guess you would say using the 'we' word constantly around you, and
basically making you feel like an outsider? I realize in order to get to know
someone, the past is going to creep up and be talked about and it is necessary.
Your walking into an already established house I am sure there were things
that had you had a say in the style or order of things would be different
than what was present. Many women believe there home should represent
them, the kitchen being one of the main rooms, where to keep the dishes and
silveware and things like that. How was that worked out, with your 'new'
ideas coming into the new marriage? If changes were made how was that
received by Isabel?
When did you finally feel like you 'were at home' and not being chased
I guess many of my questions are about, how did you all work things out,
so as to make you part of the home and your style present also?
Though it seems like I am dwelling on things that are material, and not
the Godly side of things, believe me I am not leaving God out or understanding
the importance that he is to us and our lives as individauls. But I also
realize we are a people given to emotion and that is good, but also can be
our down fall if we allow it.
I am very serious about the study I am undertaking and am interested in
any input you may give me.
Thank You and the others for working with me here and taking the time to
write and share.
Anything else you want to throw in please do, for I am sure, I will have a
hundred more questions as I seek answers to many of my questions.
The one thing that I keep coming back to, is the key ingredient to making
this work, is ones walk and love for Christ first and foremost and
secondly putting ones self aside and putting the others in the family first. Not
ignoring yourself and accepting being treated badly, meaning in attitude
and body language by others. We all have to have a tolerance for one another
and allow space, I do believe.
I am sure the first time and night you were in the family and you and Stan
were together for the night must have been very hard on Isabel. How was
I was told that each wife has their own room and Stanisław has his, tell me are
any of the rooms that the wives have remotely close to his room? I realize
you are all comfortable now knowing that he is 'behind closed doors' with
another wife at times and that you have a open door policy. But in the
beginning it does not sound like this was so. So I guess what I am asking
is/was Isabel's bedroom right next to his when you came along? I am sure
if that was the case if must have been difficult for her to 'know' you
were sleeping the night with him many times. How was that handled?
I best let get going. Thank you for being patient with me and answering my
Have a great day and God Bless You
Thank you for your letter, I will try to answer as best I can, and hope to
be to some help for you.
You ask if I ever left.
No, I never did leave, but I told God I was willing to leave one day when I
was confused because of all the trouble, sorrow and anger this polygamy
principle caused many people included us living it, and He told me to stay
and I had peace and was happy to hear Him so clearly. But that was more like
a sacrifice from my side. (The trouble etc. was my family who understood
that I lived polygamy when I was pregnant and thought I had ended up in a
dangerous and sinful sect. So they have suffered because of my choice which
I had to make to exist as the free person I am. They still do not agree, but
we are at peace together and can enjoy each other's company).
But I did often dream of a 'simpler' life by creating different lifestyles
(more fitting to the society) in dreaming, and so ran away and had a pause.
Then I read a written letter from a mother to her daughter:
So ever since then I try to guide my dreams as well as I can, and that has
been good help. Because one does not want to dream about lies.
"Dream only of that which Elohim (God) hath promised otherwise thou wilt be
disappointed. For whatsoever is not the will of Elohim (God) cannot bring joy. As thy
gifts multiply, so too shall thy bosom friends in the covenant, for every
new gift is a door into the soul of the receiver of the gift. Remember, that
every gift of Elohim (God) is the property of the whole community, and was given not
for one, but for many. Therefore do not hoard that which the Most High Elohim (God)
giveth unto thee, but give it unto all. If thou hast no dreams or desires,
then beware, for thou hast cut off the Light of Messiah. Dream and desire
but not unto idleness, and see that thou dreamest in Yahweh. For beauty is
in the heart, but truth is in the hands of the Zion's workers. But what is
beauty without truth? Or truth without beauty? See, my daughter, that what
is in thy heart findeth expression in thy works, or thy longing and desire
is in vain. All else is slavery" (Biyqah 3:19-28).
You ask how I felt I was not wanted.
Firstly I must say that I dont think I myself had much to give Isabel at the
time being. So I certainly didn`t start to give. My feeling-frame was
monogamy/secular, but we were learning theoreticaly by revelations and
Bible discoveries. I was in love with Stanisław, and probably as blind as one is
when one is in love.
She was depressed (afraid to lose Stanisław I think), and had children to take
care of. The feeling I had was of rejection, by body language, by not being
talked to, beeing treated as I was not there. She probably felt me as an
intruder, one who came and put everything upside down, just by my being
This isn't to forget that we had good moments together as well, and had
friendship, and learned to appreciate each other in many ways, but this
rejection came and went.
Isabel married Stanisław some years earlier. She got a personal revelation to
marry him and to enter this holy principle. A strong and supernatural
revelation. Stanisław's first marriage broke up (for other reasons than
Isabel coming) and she became practically speaking a mono-wife although
they always viewed their marriage as poly, hoping that the first wife should
come back. And knowing that more would come. Isabel was also very much in
Feelings do not always do what they should. So she had a heartache, I think,
and became depressed no matter what Stanisław did. And he did every thing he
could think of.
You should know that we did not really solve this between us, and we were
all hurt I think. She went away, she is back with Stanisław now which we all are
very happy about, but she does not live here yet. But Stanisław, Kasia and I
have solved similar things, so there is absolutely a solution.
When Kasia came I was jealous, and experienced that a 'whole new world'
comes in and transforms the union to something new when a new person enters.
(Not so strange actualy, but I had never thougt of that). (She came before
Isabel left, so I have never been 'mono'). I did not like this new world, it
was a threat. But now I am secure and the new worlds are wonderful to
explore together, and to seek to be one with in Elohim's (God's) love and wonderful
We solved it by daring to be open about the ugliness inside, as jealousy is
very ugly - to always forgive or be forgiven properly - to dare to be more
and more transparent - to actually let Elohim (God) do this with us.
You ask about a typical day as it used to be.
I and Stanisław at that time, we came home together, had supper made by
Isabel (I did the weekends and we shared dishwashing). Time with children
for parents or all, and often two of us three together. (Now we are much
more together all three and have much fun and can relax together - now it
would be a terrible loss if my sister-wife disappeared). Problems with bad
atmosphere at the table or the rest of the day, if either Isabel or I were
in a bad mood. (Not very mature). And long evenings for Stanisław trying to
lighten/solve these moods (actually a great reason for his illness today, I
believe). It is no better to be the husband in such a poly-family, and he
gave all he had. Today I see most of my sourness like this as ego trips, and
mostly solve the feelings by myself with prayer, if they appear, or seek
help from Kasia as much as from Stan.
You ask if I, in my eyes, was treated badly by Isabel.
I suffered sometimes because of rejection and some hard answers sometimes.
But I knew she suffered most. (Which is an uncomfortable knowledge). I think
we dominated at different areas, and made a kind of competitive spirit (at
least I), and gave in to the ego or petty family mindframe (who ever one
includes and excludes) instead of cooperating. If one is to cooperate one
must see one's family as one. Then the family can be my pride and my joy and
I will work to get together with all its lovely members and move it in Elohim's (God's)
direction. (Kasia has helped me a lot with this thinking, but Elohim (God) has a lot
left to fix).
You ask how long it took before I felt it was my home.
I felt home with Stanisław at once. We moved when I came into the family so we
made a 'new' home. But for me Stanisław is my home base. I can't remember ever
feeling that the house was very important for Isabel's home-feeling either.
But I felt they had been together for more years than we had, but I know now
that also this has only to do with how open one can be and how much we are
willing to trust each other. If one includes and is included it does not
matter. (Like a small and a big sister).
But I can see the difference with an established home. Maybe Kasia has
something to say about that. (I know I have dominated the kitchen, because
of us all, I like making food best, but it is good for all of us to be free
to change things and make things, so we communicate, and I don't want to
You ask if Stanisław & Isabel did live and talk in the past.
If they talked about it to me I did not feel left out. I felt that as
getting to know each other, as I told them about my past. I was welcomed
100% by Stanisław and he balanced well between us ladies (as far as I can see), I
guess it is important to feel that one has a place. And Stanisław gave me a firm
place from the beginning, as he gave Isabel.
You ask about home/style sayings.
We moved house at the time I came in, and made a new home. We had private
rooms with our style and made everybody 'happy' with most things in the rest
of the house I think. Isabel didn't care too much about these things if I
remember right. If we had two of something we made a decision to keep the
nicest and store the other. Kasia was young when she came and had not
started to collect a lot of things. But she likes interior designing and has
done a lot in this house that comes free to me who would never have thought
of it. If I don't agree it is nice to be able to say so without making a
mountain out of a molehill and then I can live with many things I would not
have had if I was alone and even start to treasure them because they
represent the person that likes them. Isabel is also clever with decorating.
You ask when I finaly felt not chased away.
I felt at home with Stanisław, but never felt fully accepted by Isabel until she
left. We never solved these feelings. But I hope we will have a new chance.
Kasia and I have had our similar difficulties solved. So Elohim (God) is there and
all willing when we are ready.
I agree with you, we have to take care of the whole of us, including
feelings. It doesn't help to ignore them, but create help to control them.
And they are a wonderful thing!
Yes, it is the same as a Christian fellowship, but closer/deeper/more to
learn/more to give and get/a lot to win, here and now. As our Father always
does, gives us something that looks like nothing or worse and it turns out
to be everything or better. (The seed contains a tree).
You ask about hard at night.
Yes, it was hard, and was I treated with much love and time from Stanisław.
But it didn`t need to be like that. I had the same hard time when Kasia
came, but I know that if I had been in Elohim's (God's) Spirit I would have rejoiced.
Next time I will. I am loved so I can love and rejoice. A new family is
created. And I have my important part in it.
You ask about close rooms.
It is difficult to handle these things because the source is tradition
(meaning, the feeling of having been deceived), lack of openness between all
parties, lack of knowing that one is loved, lack of the Spirit to show this.
It is difficult to handle. Stanisław used much time and love. We girls talked
together as best we could, all of us talked, to be educated helps (I mean
poly-theory), prayer. I had great trouble with Kasia, so I know the pain.
But it helps to know that it is totaly unecessery to feel this pain. I got
it out, and had a very forgiving sister-wife and husband, jealousy is so
ugly, and not easy to admit or talk about, but important (as all sin I
guess). I pray that I can meet people as I was met, and forgive. And then
poof, the jealousy is gone and a new life can start. I made a decision to
trust Stanisław and Kasia. We learn in society that one is stupid to trust people
too much, so I had to make a decision to do that, knowing that people are
not without a lot of faults. But in Elohim (God) I will trust them, then I can start
to be known and transparent.
I hope this will be to some help for you.
Elohim (God) bless you and take care of you on your way where He wants you. He lets
The family dynamic that exists in the home today in 2016 (with my current wives Kryztina, Angelka and Zyta) is very different from the one that existed at the time this correspondence took place (with Isabel, Kryztina and Kasia). In some areas the relationship between us all is much stronger and in others weaker, being a function of personalities, experiences and the spiritual, mental and emotional maturity of the parties involved (SBSK).
Authors: Trish, KCK & KMK
First created on 6 January 2001
Updated on 6 June 2016
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