Beyond the Stereotypes

Living the plural marriage way of life you cannot fail to learn something about women and female behaviour. Whatever expectations men have of women in marriage (and vice versa), or think women (or men) are, want, or the way they respond to the things you think are important to them, you can never be prepared for reality. I am speaking for the most part of Christian women and, even more so, of righteous Christian women. We each have our own preconceived stereotypes of one another shaped by the culture we were raised in and by our own hormones. What I want to share with you today is what I have learned being married to eight women, usually the hard way. Understanding female psychology is obviously rather important in plural marriage because God made men and women rather differently...

'What Did I Do Wrong?'

Picture this scenario, especially if you are a 'first-timer' in marriage, whether monogamously or polygamously. You did everything for her that you thought was consistent with loving her according to the biblical model taught by Christ. You were loyal, supportive and consistent. You gave her everything she said she wanted that was within your means but she still walked away. Result: you became confused, hurt and almost certainly asked yourself the wrong question: 'What did I do wrong? Why wasn't I enough?'

Loyalty for Surprising Reasons

Here is what I learned. Women don't stay loyal for what you do for them. They stay loyal to how they feel about who you are. If you are a loyal, faithful and loving husband and want to do right, then please understand this deep-seated instinct, impulse - call it what you will - that lies at the heart of female behaviour...what it is they were created to be loyal to, and how you need to understand the way to address that in a Gospel context.

When Trying to Earn Loyalty Fails

Understand this first of all: trying to earn a woman's loyalty through effort, gifts and sacrifice always fails when you, the man, lack this one thing: the ability to measure our value the spiritual way - not by the applause or appreciation we get but by who we are in Christ when everything else is stripped away. One wise pagan Roman emperor and philosopher, Marcus Aurelius, wisely understood that it is not death that a man should fear but never beginning to live. When a man acts towards his wife because he fears to lose her if he does not, he sends a signal to her that his wife picks up subconsciously. For one thing he has yielded power to her - the ultimate power a woman can hold if it is conceded to her - power that he is supposed to exclusively exercise in righteousness as her man.

I relate a true incident in my own family that I incorporated into my plural marriage novel, Bouquet of Roses, something I did that was counter-instinctual, something the flesh screamed at me not to do but which the Spirit absolutely commanded me to do!

Women dont care what you do for them...they are loyal ot one thing only!

Author: SBSK