This article has been prepared as the result of considerable experience with ladies investigating the possibility of joining our family. Every one of them has had preconceived ideas as to how they think our family is or how it should be. Because not all of our expectations have been expressed in a concise and easy-to-read way, or because people have been too lazy to read through all our website, we have had many unnecessary misunderstandings. If you want to enter plural marriage - in our family in particular - do not come with a fast-food mentality. You need to dig and find out. In short, you need to thoroughly investigate.
Thus it was that one woman approached our family with a seemingly unshakeable desire to be a part of it only to suddenly pull out at the last moment because she was confronted with spiritual issues that gave her deep offence when exposed (see #7 below). Throughout our courtship I had been made aware in visions that these issues existed and such was the nature of her affliction that when she pulled out she went and married an unscrupulous man of the world because he claimed to love her 'as she was' and would not make any demands of her. That rash decision spoke volumes to me.
Another came who seemed agreed on all our principles but balked at being submitted in all things (see #4). This was enough to scuttle the relationship. She unconsciously wanted shared headship.
A third woman has been keeping her distance because she is afraid to live out such lofty ideals and goals though she is otherwise in complete agreement with us. She is afraid - as are so many women - to make herself vulnerable again because of the pain of a previous failed relationship. I had a dream about her in which we were climbing up a spiral staircase to the top of a high building. At a certain level she became afraid and did not want to go further. I took her hand, spoke softly and encouragingly to her, and at length she did follow.
Another was enthusiastic but believed some false rumours that were being circulated about me. And even though the lies were exposed it was enough to sour the relationship. Many come, most do not remain (cp. Matthew 20:16; 22:14).
Finally, there are those - usually the majority - who have been indoctrinated by the New Age belief as immortalised by the Beatles - who believe that "all you need is love" - the same band, incidentally, who included a picture of notorious satanist and sexual pervert, Aleister Crowley, on the front cover of their album, Sgt.Pepper.
Hopefully, then, this article will be as comprehensive as possible without being too wordy.
The Twelve Principles
1. The propsective wife will not be perfect but will make perfection her goal (Matthew 5:38)
Most people have unrealistic expectations of one another. It is, however, easier to live with people of divergent beliefs and practices when you don't have to live in close proximity to them. A plural family, however, gives little chance of this, especially if you all live under one roof as we do. People are literally rubbing shoulders all the time in a polygamous household. Having a common goal - being one in purpose - is therefore essential. A prospective wife will therefore read our website and be in agreement with what she reads. If she has problems with certain areas, she will want to talk them out with the family in order to get understanding. If she is determined to forcefully oppose or 'correct' the way I have determined our family will go, the prospective marriage is doomed from the beginning.
2. She will put the Kingdom of Elohim (God) before marriage (Matthew 6:33)
Unless the Kingdom of Yahweh is the driving force in her life, her ego - personal desires - will continually be in a state of war with the overall goals of the family. That kind of tension within our family is entirely unacceptable. She may not have a perfect understanding of the Kingdom (who does?) but she will at least be of such a frame of mind that she will be willing to make adjustments to her life on a day-to-day basis so that her life conforms to that of the Divine Will. That means a woman who dislikes or resists change will by no means fit into our family way of life. Change, not stasis, the is keyword of a family in a vital relationship with Elohim (God). Whenever you put the Kingdom of Elohim (God) first, sacrifice and overcoming are required. A territorial person who is determined to 'defend their turf' at all costs is setting up a private kingdom in opposition to heaven and will not thrive in our family.
3. She will make total love of, and total submission to, Yahweh her first goal (Deuteronomy 6:5; Matthew 22:37)
Yah'shua (Jesus) clearly tells us that the evidence that we love Him is that we obey His commandments (John 14:15). Many people think they love Elohim (God) because they have deep feelings in their hearts. This is certainly a vitally important part of it, but unless those feelings lead you to obedience, then they are almost certainly impure, however passionately held. The only way a prospective wife can know that she is therefore in right relationship to Yahweh is if her profession of love matches her obedience to the commandments; and the only way she can know that she is living an obedient life in love is if she diligently studies the Bible. Our whole family spiritual life is geared to constant realignment to the Word in word, thought, feeling and deed, which means we are a people of the Book. A prospective wife will likewise love the Bible because she wants to be in right relationship with Yahweh.
4. She will make love of, and total Torah submission to, her husband her second goal (Ephesians 5:24)
The relationship of the redeemed to Christ is directly compared to the relationship of a husband to his wife. This model is the basis of our whole life. As a husband, I consider it my calling, duty and heart-desire to sacrificially love my wives. I expect any prospective wife to have as her calling, duty and heart-desire the wish to submit to me in all things. This is something most modern women do not find easy to do because of the mental conditioning of our feministic society and all the abuse in contemporary marriage that exists. However, without it, there can be no successful marriage. This does not mean that she must yield to her husband's every whim, because he is not permitted to expect her to do anything that would entail her breaking the commandments. Her first love is Yahweh and His Torah - only after that obligation has been met is she to submit herself to him in everything else. This may mean the loss of many of the freedoms she had as a single person. I will tell her exactly what I expect before she marries me. In marriage you exchange one set of 'freedoms' for another.
5. She will have a heart for people (Luke 10:25-37) and for children (Matthew 19:14)
There is no room for a cold-heart in our family. Plural marriage is all about intimately associating with people and loving them. And as a Christian/Messianic family, we are also a Kingdom-building people. That means contact with lots of other believers. As an international minister there are other ministers and their families visiting our home regularly for fellowship, praise and instruction. Being subordinate and involved in the ministry is therefore an essential part of being a part of our family.
6. She will be willing to sacrifice everything for God and family (Mt.13:45)
As a single man I had all kinds of hobbies and interests. Today I have very little time for any of them because the Kingdom and my family take up virtually all my time. The same is true of my wives. This does not mean that there is never time for expression of personal interest only that it should not be expected or demanded. Just as we are expected to be prepared to deny ourselves of everything for the Kingdom, so wives should be prepared to do the same for their husband and family. Without this clear goal in mind there will always be the potential for tension and conflict.
7. She will want to deal with spiritual issues and be an overcomer (Mark 5:15; Revelation 21:7)
Putting the Kingdom of Elohim (God) and marriage as first and second priorities, respectively, to the theoretical exclusion of all else, will challenge spiritual defects in your character and cause spiritual issues to rapidly come to the surface. This is all part of the process of getting a 'right mind'. A woman does not have to be free of all spiritual issues before coming to the family but must definitely be working on them and have the desire to overcome. Don't assume you have none. Everyone does. We expect every woman coming to this family to go through deliverance ministry so that demonic issues do not surface later to cause major disruptions and unnecessary suffering to the family. This often offends the pride of those wishing to join us but is something we absolutely cannot - and will not - compromise on.
8. She must be prepared for, and accept, opposition and persecution (John 15:20)
When you go all the way for Yahweh, you disturb Satan's kingdom and you will be opposed. We have had plenty of that. If you do not have the stomach to stand up for what is right, if you want to count the cost for following Christ, or if you want to compromise with the world in any way, you will not thrive in our family. You will, however, have fantastic support. Not only will you have divine approbation but also a strong family who will rally around you. Here it is 'One for all, and all for One'. You need never face anything alone.
9. She must be industrious, responsible, and like team work (Proverbs 31)
A plural family committed to the Kingdom is not a lazy one. For six days in the week we work hard and well. On the Sabbath, we all relax, worship Yahweh and have family fun. Of course we have family fun on all the other days of the week too. However, we are not idle. There is an energy here and what we do not want are wives who are likely to dampen it or push the workload onto other wives. Whilst there is plenty of room for individualistic expression we are, first and foremost, a team. Liking the team and getting on with the team is an absolute prerequisite to joining the family. The secular cult of individualism has no place here.
10. She must have eternity in view always (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
We do not go in for 'till-death-do-us-part' covenants here. The committment we expect, and the committment we give, is 100% and for ever. This means we are all absolutely determined that the marriage will work in both this life and the next. This means for myself, as husband, combining deep love with Torah-strictness. We recognise only "one Lord, one faith, one baptism"} (Ephesians 4:5) to the exclusion of all worldly philosophies and practices. One area I am very strict in is music and this has been a stumbling block for several prospective wives. Purity in all things is something we very much seek.
11. She will love the Truth before everything else (John 8:32)
Contrary to the popular mythos of our time, love does not make you free. Truth does. And true love cannot be known except it first be revealed by Truth. That is why you cannot separate Gospel Truth and Romance. A woman coming into our family will define everything - including love - through the Truth of Christ. You cannot 'fall in love' in one box and have the 'gospel' in another. Kingdom and marital love are fully integrated. A woman who believes she can marry first and resolve Kingdom or Congregational issues later is deceived. Therefore:
12. She will seek to be united with her husband's Church/Assembly (Ephesians 4:5)
I cannot have a wife who is going to oppose me in my Kingdom work. I have neither the time nor the energy because thousands of people depend on me. Given the choice, I must always choose the Kingdom before a wife's desires. My current wives are completely united in the Gospel work I do. We are of one mind and heart in the doctrines of the Kingdom. A prospective wife will therefore be investigating our fellowship and its beliefs and practices as part of her courtship, and ideally will be doing this first. I will not entertain a potential wife who does not genuinely identify with our Gospel labours. Equally it is unacceptable that she embraces my Church/Assembly simply because she wants to marry me. She must really believe what I am doing is right and be convicted in her own soul by the Holy Spirit so that should the relationship not work out she will ideally continue with the same or similar beliefs. That does not mean she must necessarily understand everything but should nonetheless be in broad agreement and have the certainty that my path is the correct one. In short, she must be baptised in the Spirit and be able to discern the direction Yahweh wants her to walk in.
A lot of people think that my vision of marriage is too narrow and demanding. I have even been accused of being 'unloving', 'religious' and 'legalistic', along with several other buzz words that people use without really understanding what they actually mean and therefore what they are saying. I have seen and experienced enough of Kingdom and polygamous marriage life to know what the ingredients to success and happiness entail. Yah'shua (Jesus) said:
"Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it" (Matthew 7:13-14, NKJV).
If the way that leads to life is narrow, and if there be few that find it, then the same must be true of pure and undefiled marriage. Just as there are hundreds - if not thousands - of watered-down 'gospels' appealing to every carnal appetite, so are they many different 'ideas' about marriage. This diversity of belief and practice in the churches and messianic assemblies is reflected in the Christian/Messianic polygamy movement too. Echad Christian/Messianic polygamy appeals to few because people don't like a narrow path - they prefer the illusion of the broad way which leads to destruction.
If you want to know about echad polygamy and my family, get to know us well. You will find us very open provided openness and integrity is reciprocated.
These, then, are our 12 conditions or principles for those who seriouly want to consider a life with us. If you can agree to them, please get in contact with us, because you'e the kind of person we want to know. Anyone else really should look elsewhere.
May Yahweh bless you!
Comments from Readers
I am curious on what level you require a prospective wife to agree with certain teachings?
Some examples would be:
Are their things that you can say to a prospective wife .... 'Well I disagree with you on this but I hope as the years go by you will change'?
The reason of asking is that while I am still young and feel called to polygamy, I know it will probably be awhile before I am so blessed/entrusted. But even in that short period of time me and my first wife have accepted many of the things I listed above (No pork, headcoverings, Torah law, submission). But on the headcoverings I find it rather an intersting exception. Do I say to a prospective wife 'well, you have to cover honey' or can I allow her to learn inside the institution of marriage? Its kind of a rough queston if you think about it. I have no idea whether or not you believe in that part of Corthinains but in general I am curious if you think their are things that can be left to be discovered in marriage.
- Torah law
- Head Coverings
- Pork or not to pork that is the question :-)
- Or just plain biblical learning
Your friend in Chirst
S (3 June 2003)
These are good questions - how much does one expect a wife to be in agreement? And I think the answer very much depends on her spiritual attitude.
My simple answer is that I would expect her to yield to the Word totally and therefore to New Covenant Torah. If she took the view that Torah has been abolished and that 'all you need is faith' or 'all you need is love' (as I know some in this community believe) then the relationship would be doomed from the start.
I am not sure how you would personally view headcoverings as an 'exception' and even more curious as to your meaning when you stated 'I have no idea wheither or not you believe in that part of Corthinians' because I believe in every part of Corinthians and indeed the whole Bible. There are no 'off limits' areas of the Bible as far as I am concerned. I know people have problems harmonising certain parts and sort of 'put them on the shelf' until they can but I have always taken the view that every part of the Bible is inspired (unless the writer clearly states he is giving an opinion only - on one occasion Paul writes he "thinks" he is inspired but isn't sure). I'm linking an article on headcovering because I think this is actually quite critical in plural marriage.
To directly answer your question as to whether or not one can legitimately say to a prospective wife, 'Well I disagree with you on this but I hope as the years go by you will change', I will say this:
I think it my duty to teach a prospective wife all I know and to determine whether she will agree with me before proceeding. I would imagine this would involve some considerable discussion over a long period of time. I can't say that I would expect agreement in all the minutae and I would frankly tell her that I may be wrong on some areas that will require change on my part. I would tell her that as her head I would want her to walk with me in my understanding until such a time came so that conflicts do not undermine my ministry or cause dissention with my family. I presume that is what is meant when Paul says a wife is to be submitted in "all things" and not just those things that please her. Obviously what we are talking about are areas of the Word which are ambiguous. I frankly tell my wives that some of my beliefs are for the time being approximations until I have the full picture and invite them to give their input. I have often yielded to their insights and we have moved together.
What I expect is a humble and teachable attitude from her at all times which I know Yahweh expects of me in His turn. It has to be understood that I am the Priest/Teacher in the family but one who is always open to new light and truth. I also believe that because that is my responsibility that Yahweh blesses me uniquely to teach and that my wives' calling is to follow where ambiguity is present. I am the accountable steward. Always, however, there are caveats, for my authority is not limitless but bound by Torah. And since I believe that it is plainly written so as to be plainly understood, the only disagreements that are likely to result are the result of poor translations and disconnectedness from the original milieu in which the revelation was given. I am more than conscious of the need not to browbeat.
There are many who think that I have done just that to my wives and are liberal in their criticisms. They are, however, their own thinkers and can speak for themselves. I have found that when we are in right relationship with each other - they submitted and I loving as I ought to love - that Yahweh speaks to us all on the same wavelength. We get revelation together. Their testimonies are quite independent of my own though at the beginning this was not so. A new wife is very much a 'daughter' in respect of understanding and learning the dynamic whole of the family - she may indeed bring in truth elements that none of us have dreamed of and from which we gladly sip and grow. But one thing no new wife ever possesses is a sense of the whole. In that respect she does need to be tutored over time because entering the echad dynamic is not an intellectual or an emotional thing but entirely of the Spirit. You have to walk it to know it.
I return in the final analysis to right attitudes. It is a difficult thing (for example) for a brainy, intellectual woman to submit and - because her counsel in intellectual matters is often (rightly) sought out - she is apt to think that she will suffer a loss of status by submitting to her husband's interpretation of things. A conflict I had in my last (fifth) marriage was over the headscarf issue and the area of disagreement boiled down to which New Testament manuscript copies were correct and which were not. Because there was no way to resolve this finally without a pronouncement on which MS copy was correct, it fell upon me to make a decision based on the revelation I have consistently had (and which harmonies with everything else in the Bible on the principle of submission) and on which our Church/Assembly had prepared a detailed exegesis which I considered to be dead accurate and therefore binding on my family. The rest of my family understood exactly where I was coming from in the Spirit because it was a part of the echad dynamic. When this was rejected I knew that far more than an 'intepretation' was being turned aside but the whole basis on which the family operated and was united by.
The bottom line is therefore the echad harmony of the whole. For what was being rejected ultimately was not the headscarf but the whole basis of divinely ordained authority in the home. So this doctrine I find particularly important. Anyway, look at the article and you will see where I stand on this issue.
For a precise and comprehensive doctrinal and practical statement of doctrinal belief we point a prospective wife to the main website of which this ministry is a sub-site. There are many thousands of articles there so no investigator can be in any doubt as to what we believe in.
This article was written in 2003 when we would engage in conversations with potential wives before any interest was expressed on their part in the Gospel work we were doing. Our policy today (2016) has changed somewhat as we ourselves are no longer looking for new wives. That does not mean we do not believe there may be other women out there who may belong to our family but that the only safe door to Holy Echad Marriage is through the King and the Kingdom. My seventh wife found us through this door, converting first to the Gospel work we were engaged in, and spent many years getting to know both our beliefs and us before finally joining our family. As stewards of time we want Yahweh to be in control of the whole process. By putting the Kingdom first we ensure this priority and free ourselves from pointless entanglements with those not sincere who might otherwise waste our time and their own.
Pathway to the Królewiec Family:
Surrender to Christ ⇒ Conversion to ministry ⇒ Enter family