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    I Married My
    Wife's Best Friend

    One of the most often asked questions I get at this site from men is: "How can I find a second wife?" to which they add, "My wife is so hostile" or "so jealous". And each time I write back and tell these people: "You must convert a polygamy-unbelieving Christian to becoming a pro-polygamy one". This is not, as many will testify, as easy as it sounds. And I always add this caveat: "But don't even think about converting such a woman until your FIRST wife has been converted to polygamy and WANTS it herself."

    I have noticed over the last few years that most of the polygamous families include a second wife who, before becoming part of the family, was either the best friend or a good friend of the first wife. And I know one family where three women, who were bosom buddies from youth and who didn't want to separate, all proposed to, and happily married, the same man together. As a polygamist I have always, in seeking for other wives, placed great emphasis on the wives being great friends. Building the sister-wife relationships is, for me, as important as building the marriage relationship between a wife and myself because I do not believe in multiple monogamy - I believe in a WHOLE relationship.

    All true Christian/Messianic believers have individual names but we are also called "the Church", "the Messianic Assembly", the "Bride of Christ", "Israel", and many other names that describe the collective identity of the people joined together. And in a sense, since we all belong to Yah'shua/Jesus, we take on the the Name of Yah'shua/Jesus too. Thus whilst there is a Yah'shua/Jesus the Person, there is also the Yah'shua/Jesus who is the Person and His allegorical Bride, the Church/Messianic Community. We are Yah'shua/Jesus because we belong to Him.

    My whole family is named by my surname, Królewiec - my wives, my children, and myself. That is something that monogamist families can easily relate to. But in a polygamous family there are several wives who have a unique 'sister-wife' relationship to each other too that is different from blood-sister, church-sister or any other kind of 'sister' relationship.

    Many years ago I had a fascinating dream. I saw all three of my (then) wives and I heard the voice of Yahweh speak to me, saying: "The Three Karella's". Upon later asking Him what this mean He told me that their collective sister-wifehood name was 'KARELLA'. And I have since thought to myself: how appropriate that a special relationship as obtains between sister-wives should be given a name, just as all of us are called Królewiec!

    The worst possible scenario in a polgyamous marriage is when the wives love their husband but don't get on with each other. This does not mean, of course, that they cannot get on for I am a firm believer that in Christ ALL things are possible. It just means they have to expend a little more effort in building bridges and in a prayer-life dedicated to getting an anointing for the sister-wives union.

    In many ways I have been lucky. My second wife was my first wife's best friend, and my third and fourth wives got on very well together in spite of personality differences, perhaps because they are related and therefore have a similar background. My second and third wives, however, were as different as chalk and cheese - ironically my first and second (the best friends) were similarly different and yet managed to get on. My first wife deserted the marriage, however, and both (sadly) grew apart. Which brings up a another point worth making: as we mature in Christ, so our flesh-nature relationships change too.

    A polgyamist man cannot only think of himself in selecting wives - he must also consider the existing wives' needs because whether they like it or not they have to live with one another - unless you opt for (what I consider to be the inferior form of polygamy which is) multiple households (which I called 'multiple-monogamous polygamy' or 'polymonogamy').

    There is no one ideal scenario for the recruitment of new wives but the one that seems to have an advantage over all the others is when a wife's best friend joins the family. And the reason I look so highly upon such a scenario is because there is already a WELL ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP between the two women. Moreover, such an entré to polygamy is a wonderful testimony to the best friend of Christ-like love for it is a shadow of our desire to witness of Christ and recruit for His Church/Messianic Community, not keeping Christ's gift all to ourselves. Whilst it is Christ who ultimately brings souls to the Church/Messianic Community, the importance of Body ministry and outreach must not be underplayed. Similarly, whilst ultimately the husband must draw his new wife (since that is the core relationship), the wives ought also to be 'evangelising' for their husband because of their desire to share this special polygamous love they have, knowing that in spite of new wives bringing new problems into the family that these new wives also help bring to pass a multiplication of love and an enrichment of the family/marriage fellowship. Thus for me following the biblical shadow is surely the best way though to be sure sometimes Christ draws people to Himself apart from any Church fellowship. The diagram below illustrates the close parellels between the Church and a plural marriage.

    The local congregation and plural marriage compared

    We must not assume that all wives will come this way nor create a scale of 'value' based on it - Yahweh leads whom He will by providence. I stress it though because it demonstrates my particualar view of Christian/Messianic polygamy which is that the husband must sacrificially love in order not only to be an example of Christ-like love but to emphasise that polygamy is about EVERYONE. Further, it is about ATTRACTION rather than COMPULSION. Unless the wives themselves want more sister-wives and of their own initiative and love are actively recruiting for the family then I believe a polygamous relationship is bound to start on a shakey foundation. Each wife will recruit on the basis of her own affinities thus making for variety and stability at the same time. (This principle of pairs is explained in the Cosmic Principle). There is nothing worse than for a wife to feel the 'odd one out' especially when you are in a situation of having three wives as I am at present. I therefore prefer to have an even-number of wives where there can be friendship pairing based on natural affinity. The ideal, of course, is that there is a natural affinity between ALL the sister-wives rendering the need for pairs irrelevent, and indeed this is achievable as we become more and more Christ-like. When we are attracted to one another based on our relationship to Christ more than we are to our fleshy natures then polygamy really comes into its own.

    Author: SBSK

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    First created on 10 March 2000
    Updated on 25 January 2016

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