I grew up in church. My parents traveled with my aunt and uncle
and sang gospel music. I was singing harmony before I was in
the 1st grade. I sang in a little trio with my younger brother and
my cousin, who was like a little sister to me.
The people seemed to love us, these three small children up
there singing in three part harmony, they saw "the show",
what they didn't see underneath the long sleeves were all
the bruises,
what they didn't see once our parents took us off the stage,
was the yelling and hitting,
and touching...touching?...no...raping and stealing of innocence.......
what they never, ever saw was the heart.. broken, betrayed,
bruised and battered......
a heart that believed that not only was it to blame for all this
evil and pain, but that it deserved it, for surely there was something
inherently wrong with it, so wrong that even Yahweh turned away.
I learned at a very early age that no one could be trusted and
if someone said they loved you or that you were special, that
only meant that you were about to experience pain. I know that
those of you who have been through similar things know what I
mean when I say, I felt like I was the center of attention, yet I
was invisible. I hated being a girl. I hated what that meant,
I hated being "special".
I also came to believe that no matter how much you hurt, or
cried or bled, no matter how much you believed ... that it made
no difference ... because there was no fairytale, good, loving
"God" in the sky who would come and rescue you and of course
that is just what the enemy wanted me to believe. One of the evils
of abuse is that is does Satan's work of deceiving us about
Yahweh's true nature and provides what seems like proof that
Yahweh is not good and cannot be trusted.
I used to have so much rage, and rage I did, to Yahweh over the
fact that He did not intervene ... and worse believing that I deserved
it and He thought so too ... which of course was not the case,
but another lie from the pit.
But they set things up so that it would appear that Yahweh was
in on it too, that all the pain, the abuse, the torture was because of
the evil inside of me, thus Yahweh not only did not love me ...
but could not.
So I used to cut a lot, because I felt that in cutting I was releasing
the sin that was in me ... because I was the sin.
I was sure I was cursed, and that everything I touched
would in the end be destroyed. And I just knew that I could not love,
because to love was to insure you lose the object of your affection,
which I always did. Every relationship I had ever had ended in
heartache.
I did marry when I was in my 20's and had three beautiful children.
Finally my life had a purpose and I had something that no one could
take away from me. These three tiny creatures proved things I never
believed, for the first time my heart truly knew unconditional love.
They loved me, period and I was free to lavish upon them all the love
I had and it was safe and it woke up something inside of me that I
never knew existed.
Then my whole world came crashing in, their dad wanted a divorce. I
knew he was seeing other women. I had shared with him one or two
things that had happened in my past, and it was this very thing that he
used against me in court. He made me go to the hospital, and 3 days
later I was served with divorce papers. I was devastated but fought like
mad to get out and get home to my babies. When I did get out, he took
the kids from our home and hid them. He had a lot of money, I was a
stay at home mom, and so he ended up with the children, and I ended
up with a shattered heart. Losing my babies simply sent me over the
edge. I would spend the next several years discovering the truth about
my life and my family... and who Yahweh really was.
Even in all of this, all the pain and struggling, giving up, wanting to die
... all my anger and fear ... He never gave up on me.
He wanted me and He was not about to let go. In spite of what other
people had done, in spite of what I had done, to myself and to Him,
He still loved me and thought I was worth something ...
worth enough for Him to give His life for me.
We have been damaged, yes, but we have great hope.
The mercy of Yahweh does not eradicate the damage, at least not
in this life, but it soothes the soul and draws us forward to a hope
that sets us free. We can allow the pain of the past and the travail
of the change process to create fresh, new life in us, thus serving
as a bridge over which another victim may walk from death to life.
It is an honor beyond compare to be part of the birthing process of life
and hope, and a joy deeper than words to see evil and it's damage
destroyed. I am here for you....and I await that day and joy with you
