My dad died 9 months ago after a long battle with Alzheimer's. He was a strong, hard working man who loved to fish and hunt and hated sitting around indoors. It was, as many know who have battled this disease, heartbreaking and frustrating because you are helpless to help and make it better. My mom was and still is like Wonder Woman, she took care of him until the end, refused to put him in a home. They were married 67 yrs, they adored each other and his loss was and still is huge.
Two weeks after my dad was laid to rest, my older brother was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer and is now in hospice and is expected to last a few weeks if not days. My mom is taking care of him. 5 years earlier I lost my younger brother, then my dad and now my older brother will soon leave us.
I was not able to go to my dad's funeral because of Covid, which was devastating to me. I wanted to say my goodbyes and I wanted to be there for my mom and brother. Looks like I will not be able to go to my brother's funeral either, this time because of funds. And my husband has a chronic illness that leaves him in a great deal of pain....every day and night and again, I am helpless to do anything to take it away.
Why am I saying all this? Well because these past few years have been a huge struggle for me as I know many can relate to. I did not realize how great a weight it had become around my heart and life. I have grown tired, frustrated and a little angry I suppose, because why in the world was Yahweh not intervening??? What about all the promises in the Bible?? Do we just sit and watch those we love suffer and die? Boy, I sure had some questions for Yahweh, and you know what? He didn't mind. He was not afraid of my honesty and He remained faithful and forgiving even with all my demands and disappointment with Him. However all of this can soon turn to bitterness and entitlement. I mean, who am I to question Yahweh, to try to make and hold Him accountable for not doing things as I thought He should?
I have always believed that nothing happens in our lives that Yahweh does not allow. It was the only way I could make sense of things, and if that were true, then it meant He had a solution, but I tell you the minute we switch to self and 'why me?' and 'why aren't You doing things the way I think you should?' ... the minute we step up on the throne of our lives, He can no longer reign there and that opens the door to the enemy to flood us with fear, anger, bitterness. And then he (the enemy) throws a huge dose of condemnation on top of it all, accusing us of being inherently bad, etc, etc.. It can be very subtle and then we find ourselves feeling so cut off and far from Yahweh, and what do we do? We either blame Him or we believe everything horrible thing the enemy accuses us of.
I am so grateful for the faithfulness of Yahweh, for His patience and His love. It has taken me some time to see all this. I mean, I knew it all in my head, I have heard it all a million times, but we have a way of justifying our doubts, to the point of defending our 'right' to feel this way. Isn't it insane? We so easily fall for the enemy's lies, but we open that door when we step out of full surrender, which is what I did.
It feels so wonderful to not carry the outcome for everything. To know that I can trust it all to Him and I do not have to manage and control any of it. He knows us, He loves us and His laws are for our good. He created us to be in Him, to hide under the shadow of His wings, to walk in surrender to, and with, Him. He desires to hold us, watch over us and help us navigate the hard times, to know that even though things seem dark and I feel alone, that He will be my light, even in the darkness.
"But as for me, I will look expectantly for Yahweh and with confidence in Him I will keep watch;
I will wait [with confident expectation] for the Elohim (God) of my salvation.
My Elohim (God) will hear me.
Do not rejoice over me [amid my tragedies], O my enemy!
Though I fall, I will rise;
Though I sit in the darkness [of distress],
Yahweh is a light for me" (Micah 7:7-8, Amplified Bible).
