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Love, versus the “feeling of love”
Posted by Lev/Christopher on December 28, 2008 at 9:49am in Marriage & Relationships
by Bernd
There have been a number of posts here where people are caught up in a struggle of trying to find out where that magical “feeling of love” went in their lives, or trying to get a handle on whether they are really loved by their partner.
These are just my best guesses, and what I’ve found works solidly for me.
I remember many times in my teenage years where I felt giddily and crazily “in love”. Unfortunately, the girls I fell in love with hardly ever knew it, because I was terrified of rejection (and later years would prove that fear to be very real).
During our marriage, that feeling went up and down like a roller coaster. When things were going smoothly or well, it blossomed, When we hit rough seas (often my depression and money problems played a big factor), that feeling nose-dived, buried under worry, frustration, anger, pain, and a whole bunch of other stuff. My affairs, in hindsight, were fuelled partially by my desperation to recapture that feeling for at least a few fleeting moment during my “numbed out” periods. Sex had always been a sure-fire way of “feeling” those rushes of “love feelings”, and when Lynda didn’t give me my “fix” as often as I wanted it, I eventually found another substitute supply to take the edge off.
I’ve heard many times that women have affairs out of love, and men because of sex. I think that appearances are deceiving here. I think both sexes have affairs to try and recapture the “feelings of love” that seem to be slipping away, and men have learned at an early age that they are only safe letting down their emotional walls during sex, and women have learned that one of the few ways they can “feel love” is to “love, and be loved”. The goal is the same, the paths to reach it are different.
The clues are all around us that this approach to “love” isn’t working the way it “should”. Affairs, breakups, fights, unhappy marriages all struggle with the “love issue”. I think we’ve been all led down the garden path to the swamp, instead of to Eden. I think we have learned all too well to put the cart before the horse.
Love is a choice first, a feeling second. In my life, the feelings that come back to me when I make loving choices are more magical and awe-inspiring than I ever dreamed possible. This simple truth (a truth to me, that is) has made life so much simpler, and easy - and “genuine love”, I believe, IS easy and simple. I often use the phrase “love is so simple, even a child can do it” as a reality check for me. Our children can give us some of the greatest lessons about love, when we let them.
Love happens when we make choices that support the emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being of ourselves and others. There is never a clash between what is truly best for us, and truly best for others. If there seems to be a clash, then we haven’t found the loving solution yet; we may be close, but we aren’t all the way there yet.
Genuine love doesn’t cause pain, but it ALLOWS it to be felt. In fact, love heals by bringing pain to the surface, so that it can teach us what it needs to, and help us heal. So paradoxically, a truly loving relationship is anything but pain-free, but that pain comes from healing, not new cuts. Like helping your partner recover from a bad burn accident. That acceptance and understanding of pain helps kick in another wonderful aspect of love, it’s own pain reliever. Some people call them tears and hugs.:)
Making loving choices also means not co-operating with other people’s attempts to hurt us. Because when we co-operate in helping someone hurt us, we also play a part in helping them to hurt themselves. Not accepting abuse is loving. Not taking offense at unkind words is loving, as well as not striking back. This part of love also means not accepting other people’s expectations, judgements, criticisms, and demands of us, except for those parts which we can use to help our own well-being, if we accept them by free choice.
Love doesn’t always give immediate returns. When you plant a rose, it doesn’t blossom the next day. But every seed blossoms, if we allow it to, and nurture it with loving choices in as many aspects of our lives as we can. Some love seeds sprout magically right away, others take more time. But those that take more time usually blow us away in joy when they do blossom, so the wait is worth it.:)
Love doesn’t ask perfection of us. In fact, it rejoices in our imperfections as much as our strengths. It’s our imperfections that give us empathy with others who are in pain and struggling with life. And empathy is very much part of love. I am smart, and stupid. Both. And both are wonderful parts of me. So when someone calls me stupid now, I can much more easily say “thank you.”:) And inside, I remind myself that what THEY send out, will come back to them as well, without any effort from me.
I can only give as much love to others as I give myself. This to me is a fundamental rule. The less kindness and caring I give to all the different aspects of me - the child and the grownup - the less kindness and caring I’m able to give to others. When I try, it’s usually by deluding myself I can, and this kind of faking-it “love” always backfires sooner or later.
All I can do is to try to make as many loving choices as I can today. The more I make each day, the more practice I get, and anything improves with practice - if I’m letting the right “lessons” guide me. I think there is rejoicing in heaven each time one of us catches ourselves, and makes a loving choice in place of a usual “unloving” choice. It makes the world around us just a little bit brighter, and makes our own souls sing just a little bit clearer.
Finally, love holds many, many paradoxes. We can only keep what we give away. We surrender to win. We let go to receive. Love is the most selfish thing we can give ourselves, and the least selfish. Both at the same time. Many of our problems come from not being selfish enough. When we settle for solutions that aren’t truly loving, we lose out, and so do others. A loving choice always gives us the most back in any situation, and gives others the best, even though logically we may not see how. But this is a limitation of our brains, not love.
If we want to feel more love than we ever imagined or dare hope we could, there’s a simple path. Make as many loving choices as we can each day, each moment - for ourselves, as well as others. The returns, the joy, the feelings of love will flow back to us 10 fold for whatever we send out.
That’s my spiel!:)
From: hugger
Amen!...wow what a great grouping of thoughts you had there...do you feel divinely inspired..seems like you are...I am a singer with divine inspiration...sometimes when I sing in church..I have an out of body experience...I am listening to myself sing...really I know at that time it is God using my voice to reach his people..do you feel that... anyway..your thoughts on making loving choices was right on...(60's gal)..I try to catch myself.and do many times during the day, when I am unconsciously choosing to feed myself rather than feed HIM...the least of his brothers..sometimes that is my family...i.e. I don't feel like helping him with his project but I know that he will appreciate my help and ...it is the right thing to do...so "hugger do it"...and ALWAYS when I make the loving choice..I too am happier ...I too receive back a 100 fold...Jesus was a very right on dude...and he still invades my life every day trying to tell me how to be happy...by giving of my self...of ..from my self to someone else...without expectation..without condition..just because it is the right choice...
From: Cautious
What a lovely "spiel" on love... It is amazing how freely and without thought we use that word isn't it? You know, I love my dog, I love that dress, I love your haircut... It goes on and on!!!!! M. Scott Peck has an insightful book on thoughts of love as an emotion and love as a choice. For anyone who has not read any of his thoughts I encourage you to try to get a hold of a copy of "The Road Less Travelled."
http://relationshipweb.com/archives/1996/contents/0067.htm
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Reply by Lev/Christopher on December 28, 2008 at 9:56am
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Reply by Lev/Christopher on December 28, 2008 at 10:00am
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Reply by Lev/Christopher on December 28, 2008 at 10:08am
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Reply by Lev/Christopher on December 28, 2008 at 10:10am
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Reply by Tove Marie on January 3, 2009 at 8:52am
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