Whatever happened to the sacred romance – the virtuous hero demonstrating incredible faithfulness and sacrifice for the woman he loved? Are such things lived out in the romances of today, or can they be found only in the inspiring tales of yesteryear?

Romance in the United States today most often follows a pattern of recreational dating. A typical “date” may be generally defined as follows: “A date is a meeting of two people, generally of the opposite sex, with the intention of arousing passion for one another at some point in time.” This system is a relatively new and uniquely American invention, which even today is only beginning to penetrate foreign cultures. Until the early twentieth century, courtship generally served as the rule of romance, a traditional method of suitors and family social gatherings. The evolution of modern dating began in the 1920's, as automobiles became common throughout the United States. When a girl’s suitor paid a call at her home for an evening visit with the family, he was surprised to find the young lady wearing a hat. Because hats were worn only when going out, and never indoors, this showed that the girl intended to be taken out.

Over time, this idea of going out gained acceptance, and family-centered courtship faded as young lovers shifted towards planning outings and appointments, or “dates.” As parental influence waned in relationships, so did outside authority and accountability. Dating moved further and further from the home base, and deeper and deeper into recreational activities, until today dating has become, to many, a recreation in itself. As such, it is not considered a serious commitment, but an opportunity for fun among friends. Neither has it remained limited to those planning for marriage, but instead is practiced in various degrees by young people of literally every age.

But is the dating system successful? The answer to this question depends entirely upon our definition of success: what is it we mean to produce? If our goal is to have fun, in that respect modern dating may be considered extremely effective. But what about virtue, heroism, faithfulness, and sacrifice? Does conventional dating promote these qualities? Does the system truly build meaningful friendships? Has it succeeded in preparing young people for marriage? Does it glorify God? These are the questions that have given us cause to consider whether the practice of conventional dating is acceptable for Christians, and these are the questions to be considered in the following pages.

A disciple of Jesus Christ is not merely one in profession, but in practice. The faith of a true believer permeates every aspect of his life; true Christianity extends its influence over every sphere of activity. 2 Corinthians 5:17 states: “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” If this verse is true, and all things are indeed become new, Christians have the responsibility to examine the practices of their former life and of the world, and to abstain from all those practices that contradict Scriptural principles. This commitment to keeping unspotted from the ways of the world (Js. 1:27) is the whole basis of the abstinence movement among Christians today. The purpose of this paper is to lay the foundations of Christian thought in identifying the inherent problems and fundamental dangers of the American dating method, and to propose courtship as a more Biblical approach to romance and marriage.

By the term courtship I mean to present not a set of rules, not a specific formula or fool-proof method, but a new way of thinking, a paradigm shift from modern cultural thought and the dating mentality. It does not matter what we call it; I have chosen to adopt the term courtship not to endorse old-fashioned traditions, but to represent the timeless ideals and powerful principles of Scripture regarding this topic. For the sake of consistency, I will use the term dating to represent the generally accepted pattern of modern American romance. The value of these practices does not depend on what they may be called, but on their basic principles. The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart.

In order to conduct a reasonable discussion of any topic, we must first establish a standard of truth to which we may subject our various arguments. The very fact that we take time to reason and discuss any topic affirms that there truly are better and worse approaches to it; that is to say, there is a “right” and a “wrong” way of doing things that we may learn. And by seeking to learn anything, we affirm that there is an objective truth to be known. From the first, then, we automatically acknowledge the existence both of universal truth and of moral absolutes. From what source are truth and morality derived? They must come from one of two foundations: man’s law or God’s law. Man’s law depends upon the experience and reason of men; we know that men change and men disagree. Because man’s law relies on man, and man has proved unreliable, man’s law cannot be absolute. Christians look to God and His Word as the Source of truth, for He alone is Omniscient, Reliable, and Unchanging. As the Originator of all that exists, God is also the Originator of truth. By looking to the Bible as our ultimate authority, and by interpreting all information according to it, we adopt a Biblical Worldview, an intellectual grid through which we interpret all human experience.

By applying Biblical principles to romance, we arrive at something very different from the dating pattern of today. The conventional dating method operates in harmony with the flow of modern cultural thought. Our culture has chosen man’s law over God’s law, and thus, by denying God and reckoning humans as the measure of truth, our culture has chosen a Secular Humanist Worldview, which can result only in the philosophy of Relativism, which denies the very existence of universal, transcendent truth. Relativism can be easily detected in common remarks such as, “Maybe that’s true for you, but of course you can’t impose your values on anyone else.” It is because of this denial of absolute truth, inconsistent with the fundamental operating Laws of Nature established by God, that our modern society is faced with disorder and so many dilemmas; we can eliminate the dilemmas of our society only by bringing our society back to the truth of God’s Word.

What are the rules of dating today? If there is no right and wrong, all behavior is acceptable, so everybody makes up his or her own rules. As Christians, we know that the Bible does provide us with rules of conduct, such as the following:

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. (Mk. 12:30-31)

Thou shalt not commit adultery. (Ex. 20:14)

Then put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication; uncleanness; passion; evil lust; and covetousness, which is idolatry. (Col. 3:5)

Such commands are a part of God’s moral law, providing guidelines and boundaries for living. Because God knows what is best for us, obedience to His commands will be to our own benefit and will protect us from dangerous living. Today, the boundaries of God’s moral law have been torn down, and mankind has made a breach in the wall that was erected for its own protection. Having pushed beyond God’s standard, people have quickly lost all other inhibitions, and today perverse behavior is considered normal. According to national statistics, during the 1990's, “Ninety percent of males and eighty percent of females are sexually active by age 18,” and “Fifty percent of all teenagers believe it is OK to force sex” (qtd. in Jehle 5). Such behavior has brought with it devastating consequences: sexually transmitted diseases are rampant, abortion is widely practiced, and divorce rates soar. All these epidemics find their origins in ideas, and it is the duty of the Christian Church to stand in the gap, to raise a standard in our culture, to revive the virtues of ages past, to restore the foundations of Biblical morality, and to reset the course for future generations. “And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in” (Is. 58:12).

For Christians, one of the inherent dangers of modern dating is passivity. To fall into the dating trend is to allow culture to determine the course of our lives. Such passivity promotes ideas such as “instant gratification.” Dating does not teach self-control and the delay of gratification, as some of its proponents may claim. On the contrary, it teaches us to “feel, don’t think,” and to live for today without thought for tomorrow. Christians, however, must strive to live by principle, virtuously, and in the best way life may be lived. In lofty aspiration to the ideal, we ought to recognize that of all the wonderful love stories that have been written, we now have an opportunity to determine our own! Instead of losing that opportunity to passivity, we must seize it to make our romance special. “Marriage ought to be made a study,” affirm Haines and Yaggy in The Royal Path of Life, “and it is not to be fallen into blindly” (261). We must follow God instead of the world, realizing that our present choices and actions will affect our future lives. Instead of the dating mentality of “How much can I get from this person without getting into trouble,” the courtship perspective asks, “Will these actions glorify God, or will I regret them someday? How much romance do I want to save for my lifetime partner?” While dating encourages instant gratification, courtship promotes foresight, develops self-control, and encourages us to live today in mind of tomorrow.

President George Washington once wrote, “In all matters of emotion, let reason govern.” This is yet another clear warning against falling into passivity. Though many argue that recreational dating is a good way to get to know someone, dating actually creates an artificial context for evaluating a person’s true character. Little can be learned about how someone functions under the pressures of the real world from the way he acts on a date (because it very well may be an “act”). Furthermore, it is impossible for someone who is in the middle of a dating relationship, and perhaps infatuated with his lover, to make an unbiased assessment of that lover– he will be blinded by his emotion. Because dating encourages us to trust our emotions and to do whatever feels right, is not the best way to get to know someone, but it is undoubtedly the best way to get physically involved with someone. If a Christian meaning to live by principle thinks maybe he’s found “the one,” he must seek the will of God in prayer regarding that person and study her character before letting her know of any interest or becoming emotionally or physically involved. The courtship approach demands observation from a distance of that person in real life environments, observation of that person in ministry and service to others or in a difficult situation.

Another fundamental flaw of dating is that it revolves around selfishness. Most people who date want to get something from the other person; they want to have fun; they want to make themselves feel good. “How can this relationship bring me pleasure?” Such self-centeredness certainly produces none of the skills that will prove vital to a successful marriage, which depends upon a giving and service mentality. Furthermore, by dating in this way we often seek to please ourselves at the expense of seeking to please God. Entering any relationship with such a carnal mindset can inhibit the progress of our infinitely more important relationship with God. If we sin as a result of our dating practices, that is to say, if we choose self-pleasure and dating over morality and God, we are guilty of idolatry, for we become slaves to whatever thing takes the first priority in our lives. Instead of promoting the virtuous sacrifice of personal interests for the other person, dating promotes the sacrifice of our relationship with the Lord. In practicing courtship, on the other hand, we must dedicate the relationship to the Lord from the start and pursue it only as long as it pushes us closer to Him. We must also govern our actions in mind of the other person’s best interest. “[Biblical love] doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil” (1 Cor. 13:5).

One important problem of recreational dating is that it often mistakes a physical relationship for love. Is true love the desire to fulfill our emotional and physical wants through another person? No, love places the interests of others ahead of our own. Love sacrifices, serves, and gives without expectation of return. Can a man say he loves a woman, while he reserves the right to abandon her at any moment for the next prettier face? This degrades the value of women and shames the honor of men. Woman is the apex of God’s creation: when man was not good enough alone, the Lord produced a woman to complete His work. A true man ought to honor woman as the weaker vessel and not take advantage of her. If a man is to act nobly, he must guard the honor and purity of women, protecting them from all that threatens their security. A man must even protect women from himself; a woman at no time should feel uncomfortable in his presence, but on the contrary, safe and honored. As Romans 13:10 says, “Love worketh no ill to his neighbor: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.” Far from the world’s shallow brand of “love” which breaks the law of God and destroys the moral standard, true love fulfills and upholds Biblical law. “For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another” (Gal. 5:13).

Probably the biggest danger of the modern dating method is that it leads to intimacy without commitment. Intimate romance is a good thing, and God even commands it; but, as Joshua Harris states in I Kissed Dating Goodbye, “the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing” (73). An act of romance cannot come by itself– romance is designed to be carried out to the full, and with its privileges come responsibility and commitment. These are one inseparable whole, and we cannot try to initiate romance to take just a piece of it. Romance always demands more romance, and accelerates to greater degrees of expression until a relationship has been fully consummated. This is a good and virtuous thing when coupled with the commitment of marriage, but outside of marriage, it can lead to nothing but heartbreak and trouble. There are those who claim that dating builds relationship skills, teaches us to work through issues, and prepares us to face the challenges of marriage. In reality dating trains young people to give up on any relationship that no longer brings them pleasure. Doug Wilson, in his book Her Hand in Marriage, decisively states: “The modern dating system does not train young people to form a relationship. It trains them to form a series of relationships, and further trains them to harden themselves to the break-up of all but the current one. At the very least, this system is as much a preparation for divorce as it is for marriage” (10-11). The courtship relationship, however, is to be entered only with the intention of marriage, and its object is not present pleasure, but the choice of a companion (Haines and Yaggy 263). If a person is not interested in marriage, or is not prepared to assume the responsibilities of marriage, he has no business pursuing a girl’s heart. Before a young man can even consider courtship, he must prepare himself to support a wife and family; as Proverbs 24:27 commands, “Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterwards build thine house.”

Prior to entering the commitment of marriage, we must remain committed and faithful to that unnamed future mate. If with every act of romance we give away a piece of our heart, we must consciously strive to save our hearts for marriage romance, that we may give them wholly and proudly to one lifetime partner. In the same way, outside of lifelong commitment, we must not steal the heart of another. While some may claim that dating holds value in and of itself, that is to say, dating is an end in itself, and it is good because it is fun, courtship, in contrast, is never an end in itself, but only a step toward marriage.

Another basic problem of recreational dating is that it distracts young people from preparing for the future. Young people are in a season of training, and infatuation within a dating relationship wastes much time that might have been invested in learning or serving. It is important for us to realize and utilize God’s gift of singleness. Before marriage, while full of energy and not encumbered by the responsibilities of a family, young people have unequaled opportunities to serve the Lord and to learn and grow. Such times should not be squandered on a train of unfulfilling dating relationships. If a young man is truly interested in a girl, instead of letting her know about it, he ought consider what traits she would deserve in a husband, and then work to develop in himself those qualities.

One common mistake among dating relationships is that their focus lies on each other instead of on a common mission. Since woman was created as a helper to man, a man ought to find a wife who can run along with him in pursuing a shared interest or goal. Dating relationships often pursue only the relationship itself, and thus produce little of value. At the worst, instead of being a helper with whom a man can produce more than he could alone, a woman becomes a hindrance to the man. In preparation for a successful and fruitful marriage, courtship encourages young people to strive together in a common mission, and to base their relationship on a shared interest in serving the Lord, instead of on each other.

A final danger of conventional dating is that it separates young people from the influence and protection of family and group environments. There is safety and accountability in the family. The Bible establishes a clear pattern that young women remain under the authority of their fathers until they be given in marriage. A father is responsible for the safety, well-being, and purity of his daughter, and he must not simply send her off alone with a young man. Because daughters are given in marriage by their fathers, it is with fathers that young men must begin their pursuit of marriage.

By way of practical application of the principles we have discussed, I will now lay out a general outline of a courting relationship. First we must realize that according to the Biblical model, it is the man leaves his father and mother to be united to his wife (Eph. 5:31); the son seeks a wife, but the daughter is given in marriage (Lu. 20:34, 1 Cor. 7:36-38). The basic courtship pattern operates under the following principles: if a young man is prepared for marriage and is interested in a girl, he must first seek God’s will in prayer, and next observe the girl in her family, work, service, and fellowship, without flirting or broadcasting to her his interest. Until a man is serious about marrying a girl, he should not excite her hopes while there remains the possibility that he may marry another. It is important that a fellow interested in courtship does not skip the friendship stage of the relationship. He ought to become involved in some activities that the girl is doing so that they can get to know one another on a basic friendship level. After this stage, once the fellow has determined that he would like to marry her and has sought the counsel of his father and other respected men, he should go to the girl’s father and express his desire to woo her heart with the intention of marriage. The father, having evaluated the suitor’s character in thought and prayer, may turn him away or tell him to wait, in which case the young man must submit to his authority and make no further advancements toward his daughter. If, however, the father consents to his request, the young woman may then be informed of his interest. He may begin his wooing through spending time with the girl and her family, and in group activities. This courtship period is a time of trial for the girl to decide, in a safe environment, whether she would like to marry this suitor. It is a court of inquiry, a study of character; and it is imperative that both parties be entirely honest with each other, for whatever a person is, for good or bad, will be amplified by marriage. Truthfulness is essential (Haines and Yaggy 260-62). If the girl has determined not to do so, the courtship will be terminated. Throughout the process, the girl’s father maintains ultimate authority regarding the progress of the relationship. If the suitor wins the girl’s heart, and she consents to marriage, a wedding will be planned without delay, and she will be given. Once again, the power and essence of courtship lies not in terms and sets of rules, but in ideas.

In review of the basic problems of recreational dating: it conflicts with the moral absolutes of God’s law, encouraging passivity to the world and sin; it rests on emotion in place of reason; it provides an artificial context for evaluating a person’s true character; it is self-seeking instead of God-seeking and sacrificial; it often confuses a physical relationship for true love; it leads to intimacy without commitment; it exists as an end unto itself; it distracts young people from one-time opportunities to serve the Lord and to prepare for the future; and it disconnects young people from accountability, family, and wholesome influences. Because modern dating has forsaken the high path of honor and virtue, this system often ends in irreversible regret.

There are many people who try to practice “Christian dating.” Maybe this means the teens say a little prayer with their parents before going out to kiss in the parking lot. It is impossible to reconcile Christianity with the practices listed above, just as it is impossible to reconcile the sinful nature of man with God. God did not institute a reform program for our sinful nature; He instituted a death program. We cannot choose to follow God while holding on to our former way of life– they cannot come to terms. This is made perfectly clear in Colossians 3, Romans 6, Ephesians 4, and all the rest of our blessed Bible! We have to put to death the old man and the works of the flesh, and put on the new man to live for God in righteousness and love for others. Even so, it is impossible to reform the world’s system of recreational dating, for the very ideas on which it is founded run contrary to the law of God and the law of nature. “Christianizing” it and sprucing it up will not eliminate its inherent evils and dangers. 1Corinthians 6:18 tells us to flee from sexual immorality. We must make a total break with the conventional model, and make a paradigm shift back to the whole of God’s standard. As long as we try to hold on to dating simply by redefining its boundaries, no matter how good our boundaries may be, if they are not God’s boundaries, we are back to relativism– man determining his own moral standard. “O, yes, we date, but we only hold hands and hug,” explain a young Christian couple. Where do you draw the line? Do you hold hands? Do you hug? Do you kiss? Do you do everything except everything? Without God’s standard, we are only trying to use a longer spoon at the devil’s table, and if we give him a fingernail, he’ll have us past the elbow. Let’s not give him a foothold (Eph. 4: 27).

Finally, in review of the fundamental ideas of courtship: it is honoring to God in that He is to be placed in the highest priority of every relationship and His Word is upheld. It is honoring to women in that they are to be treated with utmost respect and purity, and protected from all ignoble exploitation. It demands true manhood, which is not self-seeking, but noble, sacrificial, and responsible. It is what comes of striving for the ideal, living virtuously and above reproach, and building a legacy for future generations. It is the practice of behaving to the same extent of purity with those of the opposite sex as we will carry over into a marriage commitment; that is, the way we treat others outside of marriage should be the same way we treat others once committed to a marriage partner– in absolute purity. In sum, courtship is the culmination of our efforts to apply Christianity to romance, and to revive a standard of honor and virtue unto ourselves and our posterity.

“And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, the repairer of the breach, the restorer of paths to dwell in” (Is. 58:12).

Sources:

Haines, T.L., and Yaggy, L.W. The Royal Path of Life: Aims and Aids to Success and Happiness. Chicago: Western Publishing House, 1883.

Harris, Joshua. Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship. Sisters, OR: Multnomah Books, 2000.

---. I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Sisters, OR: Questar Publishers, Inc., Multnomah Books, 1997.

Jehle, Paul. Dating Vs. Courtship. Plymouth, MA and Marlborough, NH: Plymouth Rock Foundation, Inc., 1993.

Wilson, Douglas J. Her Hand in Marriage: Biblical Courtship in the Modern World. Moscow: Canon Press, 1997.

David Hancock is is a currently a high school student planning to double major in Bible and Communications in college. This essay was written in Dr. John Han’s College Composition II course in the spring of 2003.

Courtesy of http://www.mobap.edu/student/collegian/mt/000188.asp

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