But the fairy tales were my first introduction into a mindframe that is still very rampant all over the world. It is constantly displayed in films and especially in romantic movies. The man adores a woman and she is lavished with words of affection and gifts to which she responds by accepting and loving him. We've all heard about how a man kneels as he asks for a woman's hand in marriage while declaring his undying love for her. And lest the love goes cold he keeps on reassuring her of his affection throughout their marriage by taking her out to restaurants once in a while, buying flowers or jewellry, remebering their anniversary, or whatever the woman enjoys the most. In return she stays with him and gives him affection and in many cases admiration.

Many people aren't as fanatical as others in this pursuit of the perfect relationship but I think there are very few spouses who have never stepped on each other's toes as a result of not fulfilling romantic expectations. The number of jokes about this phenomenon shows that such feelings are very widespread.

But is it actually a symptom of a good marriage if a husband lovingly buys a bouquet of flowers for his wife? I will be so bold as to contradict all the fairy tales, Hollywood and most married people and say: most likely not! I think many at heart will agree with me after all, but this may be the first time you who read this have actually thought about whether romance is good or not. Usually we walk about assuming it is good and important for a happy life and in particular a happy love-life.

Something I would like to make perfectly clear before I am dismissed as a frigid, non-emotional, brain-centered cold fish, is that there is an important differentation that I make. I believe in love. I believe in deep passionate love within marriage. I just don't think the kind of romance that we have been taught to expect is a natural fruit of love. I think it is a lie that leads both men and women into bondage. It is like a lifelong debt that has to be paid off in installments to keep the spouses from acusing each other. Yes, a husband can buy flowers without being compelled to, but then the wife usually doesn't count that as a romantic gift, and simply sees it as pleasant but she already knew she was loved and would have been just as happy without it.

I believe that romantic expressions, in whatever variety people find necessary, are nothing short of carnal emotional addictions. The fear of not being loved, or not being loving enough if they are not displayed, binds people into acting out a game. The home becomes a minefield. And once you learn how to avoid one explosion, it leads to more expectations in a never-ending supply. Since romantic gifts like flowers, kisses, declarations of love and so on are NOT true fruits of love, they never satisfy the hunger to be loved. Ask any lady if she is truly satisfied once her husband has taken her on a world cruise, bought her the best dress, danced every dance with her, and shown every sign of affection all the time, because he knew she wanted it.. her dissatisfactions lie in the fact that she expected it and he would probably not have done it had she not demanded it in the first place. Had he not done it she would not have been satisfied either, and probably ended up in great distress. Romance - the attempt to fulfill ones spouse's expectations (whether they have been spoken or not) - is not a sign of love, it is a sign of fear.

Romance topples this balance, when the woman is put up on a pedestal, she feels insecure and needs confirmation of her worthiness constantly, and is never satisfied, and if the man decides to overrule the woman he is never satisfied as he also comes up against his own unworthiness and both start to despise each othe no matter who's 'on top' because people are not made to have an artificial gap between them. We are all meant to be in subjection to Yahweh only.

I guess someone will now say.. "woah, that is not what the rest of your homepage says... you advocate that the husband is the head of the family!" - Yes, he is. He is the head because we are subjected to Yahweh. He said so, and therefore the husband has the responsibility to lead and protect his family on their journey through life. But this doesn't make him above the woman. They are on exactly the same level of submission to Yahweh, and NONE of them are "super-humans". He has a different job description, but his worthiness is no more, nor less than that of his wife/wives or children.

The thought of seperate prize-tags on different people is satanic. It is the world system that elevates some above others in value. Yahweh never has. That is why the thought of measuring love, peoples' value and ability is satanic. His tactic is to divide and conquer. When people trust that romance is needed for a sucessful love life, he has succeded in doing just that. Don't fall for it. Trust Yahweh, and ask Him to free you from any bondage to romantic expectations. Then you will be free to finally experience your spouse's love. In fact I think we all know deep down, underneath the mask of romance, that we are loved, it is just when we double check with the Romantic Measuring rod, that we start to fear that our spouse(s) or ourselves are not doing it well. Well here is the good news. Chuck it in the bin and don't pick it up again. You really DON'T need it, and it only causes strife, hurt and sorrow.

Author KMK - Copyright (c) 2004 MLT