A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.Tommy Cooper - cooperisms

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. '

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, 'You've been promoted. 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, 'you're managing director. 'And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said, ' What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.

'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

'I was standing at a party the other night and across the room was an attractive woman. I looked at her and cocked my eye. She looked at me and cocked her eye back. And there we stood, cock-eyed.

* I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

* 'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.

* So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

* 'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know'.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

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I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'

I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'

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So I went to the dentist.
He said, 'Say Aaah. 'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'

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A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac. 'The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' ..... 'Bring me a colour TV'.

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I went to see my neighbour and knocked on their door. The lady of the house answered, I thought she looked a bit odd. I asked her if her husband was in. 'Johnny passed away this morning I’m afraid' she said.

'Oh dear, that’s awful' I said 'What on earth happened?'

'Well he just told me that he felt a little poorly and took to his bed and that was it'

I didn’t know what to say. I asked if she was with him at the end. 'Yes. I was' she sobbed. I enquired if he managed any last words. 'Well, yes a few' she said.

So I asked her, 'He didn’t say anything about a tin of red paint did he?'

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Tommy Cooper had an engagement at Allinson's night club in Liverpool. As usual it was sold out and a good time was had by all. On the last night, after the show, Tommy called all the night club staff back stage and thanked them for his help. He shook each by the hand and pressed an envelope into their hands and said : 'Have a good drink on me' . Later when they opened the envelop, inside was not a large denomination note, but a tea bag!

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Each year it was the custom for the very best performers to appear at the Royal Command Performance. At the end of the show the very best of the best were introduced to the Queen.

'Did you think I was funny?', Tommy Cooper asked the Queen.
'Yes, very funny Tommy', replied the Queen.

'Did your Mother think I was funny?', Tommy asked.
'Yes, she laughed non-stop', said the Queen

'Would you mind if I ask a personal question?', Tommy asked.
'No, you can ask, but I might not be able to answer', the Queen Replied

'Who are you supporting in the Cup Final?', asked Tommy.
'Neither, I am impartial' , said the Queen. '

'In that case, ... ' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/comedians/comedian_tommy_cooper.htm...(Cooperisms)_