1. Fears to Face and Overcome
I suppose that one of the things that a bisexual woman fears most at the thought of renouncing bisexuality is that in doing so she is going to lose something wonderfully intimate that is irreplacable. The answer to that question is that she is not going to lose anything - she is going to exchange something that is inhibiting her spiritual growth for something much better. It's not as though there's going to suddenly be huge cavity in her life. Women will be there to be loved but in a new, more exciting and more fulfilling way that is in harmony with Yahweh, our Heavenly Father's, holy laws.
2. Understanding True Sex
Part of the problem with bisexuality (as with homosexuality and lesbianism generally) is that it distorts the meaning of sex. For a good overview of the mystery of Christian/Messianic sex, I recommend you read Echad Sex: Contemplative Intimacy in New Covenant Plural Marriage. Moving over from bisexuality to echad sexuality is basically a reorientation of thoughts and feelings - it is a phenomenon associated with the psyche, and the psyche is easily damaged. But it is also equally easily repaired given faith, determination, and love.
3. Keep Your Marriage Intact
If you are a bisexual woman in a plural marriage you should do everything you can to remain in it. The honouring of marriage covenants is vital. Covenant-breakers do not fare well in the judgment of Yahweh. But what if the other sister-wife wishes to remain in a bisexual lifestyle? Inevitably, tensions will result. Ideally, the husband should be persuaded that bisexuality is wrong and take the leadership in this situation. As the demonic strongmen of lesbianism are revealed and confronted, dark forces may threaten the fabric of the marriage. Indeed, this is very likely. Depending on the kind of demonic manifestation, a period of celibacy whilst the spiritual issues are addressed is desirable. Forces will attempt to destroy the marriage and these must be resisted in much fasting and prayer. The problem is if a marriage has been established with a lesbian ground, it will inevitably have to be redefined. The transition from the bisexual to the bisexual-free covenant may be painful, the temptations to dissolve the covenant great, and (for some at least) a desire to run away - these must be resisted.
4. Leave No Vacuum
Because a lesbian relationship is an ungodly one, the ungodly ties do have to be broken at some point. This is simply a matter of invoking the Name and Blood of Christ and breaking it by a verbal declaration in faith. Nature, however, abhors a vacuum so before you try to attempt anything like this, there must ve a clear vision of what you are replacing it with. It is here that HEM may well be able to help you. Because the counsel required may include sexually explicit directions this is obviously something that would have to be done in private - a male counsellor like myself guiding the husband and female counsellors like one of my wives guiding the sister-wives. These are very private and intimate matters that require sensitive counsel and complete confidentiality.
5. Breaking the Drug Addiction
Because lesbian sex is an addiction, like narcotic, nicotine or caffeine addiction, the way each individual breaks it will vary. The stronger are able to make a clean break and exert will-power until they have overcome, but those less strong may have to train themselves off their addiction gradually. The husband will have to work out various rules of contact between the sister-wives and insist that no sex takes place unless he is always present. We have various suggestions to help him accomplish this. The 12-step Sexaholics Anonymous program is very good and can be applied in many situations, both heterosexual and homosexual/lesbian. Whatever you choose to do, a very patient, calm and loving husband is essential to ensure the transition is made with the minimum amount of pain.
6. A Heterosexual Parallel
In case you think this is all 'theoretical' for me I can assure you that I have been through a parallel change myself, though it was not to do with bisexuality per se. Even in heterosexual relationships major adjustments sometimes have to be made that seem at the time so horrendous that one's whole world appears as though it is collapsing. Bisexuality is not the only unhealthy relationship that can appear in a polygamous marriage. I know of some marriages where the relationship between husband and wife was more like a father-daughter relationship inasmuch as the wife occupied a relationship - which though perhaps desirable in the beginning in a new marriage - that restricted her in her spiritual maturation. There are many women who are unrighteously dominated by husbands who treat them more like children. Changing that relationship can be very threatening to a husband who is challenged to release a kind of control that in the end becomes suffocating but which perversely may bring him a false kind of security. When that kind of ungodly bond is broken, it can seem as though the whole relationship is collapsing. And indeed a wife held in such bondage may well want to run because of the feeling of spiritual chlostrophobia. But if he acts in the way Christ expects of him, and learns to love her as an adult and equal, she will be attracted back to him in a new relationship.
7. Seeing Your Sister-Wife in a New Way
The transition between bisexual to echad sexuality may seem like a complete breakdown between the two sister-wives. The tension here is more between the women than the bisexual woman and the man with whom she has been having a heterosexual relationship. The sister-wives will learn to see and appreciate each other in different ways, and more as an object of honour and glory than of sexual lust. The 'in love' relationship will change - not in depth (if it is done right) but in its expression. What must be avoided at all costs is a type of 'panic reaction' where everything in the former relationship is seen as 'dirty' or 'ugly'. It isn't. Blame-casting must be avoided and a spirit of Christian love must prevail.
For a single bisexual woman things are, of course, much easier. Though there may have been romantic attachments in the past, these are more easily broken, especially if those relationships cannot realistically be rebuilt in a godly setting. The story of Hanna in Bouquet of Roses is one example of how healing can take place.
8. Adjusting the Covenants
A bisexual polygamous relationship is best viewed as a triangle (see diagram below) with the husband occupying the apex. The bisexual wives may be said to be married to each other by covenant in much the same way as they are each married to their husband. However, this arrangement presupposes - at least on the sexual level - that the two wives can form a consummate union too, which thing is impossible since two women having sex together cannot conceive either physically or spiritually. Moreover, it means, practically speaking, that one of the wives has to be 'male' (in dominant position) and the other 'female' (in submissive position), an ordering that occurs spontaneously in all lesbian and homosexual relationships where one partner dominates the other (because this is the natural disposition of the created order - in all unions there is 'male' and 'female'). The problem here is that whilst a bisexual woman may occupy a spiritual 'male' position she cannot occupy a physical one, since her body is female. This model is therefore not valid - at least on the physical plane.
A much better illustration of a true polygynous relationship is shown in the diagram below. Here the two wives unite together at a single point which is itself simply a junction leading to union with the husband. What this means is that there is no union between sister-wives that does not have as its object co-union with their husband. Thus they remain 'female' in all respects and unite with their 'male' husband.
For a more detailed exposition of true echad Christian/Messianic polygamous union, see my article, Sister-Wife or Wife: How are Polygamous Wives Related?. To understand better the difference between echad polygamy and conventional 'simple polygyny' see, The Metaphysics of Echad Polygamy.
9. Physical Intimacy Between Sister-Wives in Echad Polygamy
Most of the bisexual women I speak to who are in, or who have been in, physically intimate bisexual relationships, wonder what form of physical intimacy is permitted in echad polygamy. In answering this question, my fourth wife related an incident in a movie we recently saw in which the prophet Samuel, having anointed the shepherd boy David with oil to pronounce him King of Israel, then proceeded to kiss him on both cheeks and on the mouth. Whilst this may not have happened historically, it was obvious that this mouth-kiss was not erotic at all, any more than the mouth-to-mouth kiss practiced by the first Christians/Messianics (the "holy kiss") was not erotic (though it fell into disfavour when it became abused by those who were sexually perverse). The mouth-to-mouth kissing between echad sister-wives (if it happens - and it's a matter of choice - most Western heterosexual women would probably be uncomfortable with it) would be of such a nature that it would not lead to any kind of sexual stimulation whose direction was the lesbian equivalent of coitus. If the spirit of such kissing is true echad then, if it's result sexually stimulating, it would lead not to the two women wishing to unite sexually with each other but together with their husband, that is, coitus with him. Clearly if the spiritual maturation that would lead to such a right response has not been attained in former bisexual women - or women coming out of bisexuality - such should not be engaged in until it has.
What this means in practice is that the mental, heart and psychic longings must be exclusively for the husband. This does not mean that sister-wives do not have deep bonds between each other that are greater and more physical than that traditionally understood to be acceptable between biological or Christian sisters, but rather these bonds have as their exclusive object union with their husband. The nature of that contact must be worked out between the various parties of the echad covenant themselves.
10. Adequate Counselling
The dangers of former bisexual women reverting to bisexual practices should be obvious and therefore wisdom and prudence must be exercised. It follows that proper counselling needs to be learned and given by the husband who has to moderate such things. It may well be that the husband himself has a sexual problem if, for instance, he entered bisexual polygamy because he got a sexual kick out of two women making love, in which case he too will need deliverance. Training the parties to (a) think right, and (b) feel right are the first steps in any rehabilitation program for husband and wives who are, or have been, involved in bisexual polygamy. To be successful, such a program has to be entered into with complete honesty and committment to the pure way of heterosexual marriage that Yahweh has ordained in polygamy. If former bisexuals feel safer in conventional 'simple polygyny' with no or little physical contact between the women, then they should adopt this form preferentially - certainly it should be adopted as an interim measure until the lesbian tendencies have been removed. And as I have said elsewhere, expect a year at least for this to happen - some may require considerably longer.
11. Joining a Marriage in Pairs
We did once receive an enquiry from a pair of bisexual women who had been in a lesbian relationship with each other but had not found a man for their lives. Upon becoming Christian and being convicted that lesbian sex was wrong, they ceased their sexual relationshiop but did not feel it was right to separate because of the deep love they had for each other. My counsel was that if they could find a polygamous patriarch they both loved that staying together was the best solution for them. That would continue to be my counsel for women who find themselves in a similar situation. Bonding between women is always a challenge in polygamous marriage and bringing a well established friendship or former bisexual bond without doubt has its advantages.
12. Your Invitation
It is our very deep desire at HEM to help bisexual Christian women with the vision that Yahweh has given us, and to in turn be blessed by the insights which they themselves have. We pray His blessings upon you and look forward to a happy relationship in Christ.
Author: SBSK
